Hanging by a Thread
by Reyna15
Summary: Set after Season 3 Episode 16: What I thought could have happened. Spencer struggles to overcome the pain Toby brought on her by joining the A team, and travels down a road leading to darkness. However, with the help of her friends, will she be able to overcome it and become herself again? Or will she be overcome by the darkness? Spemily, Trigger warnings, Language, Dark themes.
1. Dancing on the Edge of Sanity

**Hey! I'm back! I've been so busy with school and drama, it's insane. Anyways, I'm back with a Pretty Little Liars Fanfiction this time. I'm really enjoying this one, I hope you do too.  
><strong>**DISCLAIMER:  
><strong>**I DO NOT OWN PLL OR IT'S FANTASTIC CHARACTERS.  
>Also, as a warning, this story is very serious, and deals with some sensitive and possibly disturbing topics. So don't yell at me because you don't like the topic matter. I'm warning you right now.<br>Anyways, enjoy! **

_SPENCER'S POV:_

"Is this what you're looking for?"

I choked as I dangled the silver key between my fingers. I felt tears welling in my eyes but I was determined not to let them fall. Not yet. I gasped as the black clad figure turned, but I already knew who I would see when the head lifted up to face me. The bright eyes I loved and treasured were cold as steel, turned against me.

He took a few cautious steps forward, and I could feel my body shaking from fear, and horror.

"Spencer…" He whispered carefully, as if any sound would break me like glass. The raging fires I had withheld for so long burst to life. Before I could register what I was doing, I felt a tingling sensation in my palm as my hand whipped across his face. I could immediately see the hurt in his eyes, and I regretted what I had done.

Before I could say anything I heard my mom calling me from upstairs. Turning towards the steps, I inwardly cursed myself; for when I turned back he was gone.

"Spencer?" My mom had come down the steps and was standing behind me. I tried to contain my emotions the best I could, but when I saw her concerned look I felt myself give up. The tears flowed from my eyes freely and I collapsed into her arms.

I tried to stop crying, to stay strong like us Hastings were supposed to do. However, it was as if someone else controlled my body, and the sobs did not cease until a while later.

"Spencer what happened? Did you and Toby get into a fight?" My mom asked after I had calmed down. Just hearing his name made me shudder, and I had to take a few deep breaths before I could answer her.

"No, I'm fine." I replied shortly.

"Oh honey, you're not fine." My mom said, her voice full of worry.

"No really, I'm okay. I just had too much stress and I guess I let it get to me. That's what I get for keeping things bottled up." I laughed dryly.  
>I could see that she didn't quite believe me, however she accepted the answer for the time being.<p>

"Okay. Well why don't you go lie down for a little bit?" She suggested.

I smiled weakly and nodded. "Okay."

She helped me get up off the couch we had moved to and I left for my room. Turning around, I closed the door behind me softly. I could feel my heart breaking as I glanced around my room. Memories of him were everywhere, from pictures, to gifts, to the large wooden chair over by my window.  
>The wetness returned to my eyes and I shuddered before my knees gave way. Before I knew it I was sobbing again, barely able to control my emotions. When I caught my breath I crawled over to my nightstand, where my favorite picture of us sat, framed. I shakily pulled myself up so I was standing, and I picked up the photo.<p>

His smile shone in the photo, and his eyes were bright and beautiful. I looked so happy, my eyes focusing on him, my safe place to land. A strangled sound, similar to that a dying animal makes, escaped my throat as I hurled the picture across the room. It hit my wall with a thud and the glass shattered into a billion tiny pieces. I cried out and picked up another photo, hurling it onto the floor. My anger had started to take control and before I knew it every one of our framed photos was in shards on my carpet. I walked over and collected the photos from the mess, ignoring the broken glass underneath my bare feet.  
>Once I had gathered them all, I walked over to my bed and sat down. Soon every photo I had was ripped in half, and then in half again. The pieces of paper were scattered over my bed like snow.<p>

I ended up grabbing all the pieces and walking downstairs to dispose of them. When I got downstairs I saw my dad and my mom talking in the kitchen.

I casually threw the photos in the fireplace and walked over to get a glass of water from the kitchen.

"Hey honey, feeling better?" My dad asked. Of course my mom had told him, nothing was private in this household.

"Yeah I'm fine." I grumbled as I filled the glass.

"You know you can tell us if anything is wrong." My dad started, "We're here for you."

I coughed in an attempt to cover the dry laugh that escaped my throat. "Thanks, but I'm fine. Really."

"If you want me to talk to Toby I-"

"This is not Toby's fault!" I half-yelled. I couldn't believe it, here I was standing up for the person who had betrayed my friends and I.

"Then whose fault is it?" My dad yelled back.

"No one's! No one is at fault dad! I just had a rough day!" I groaned.

"Spencer, cut the crap with me. You've had rough days before and they haven't affected you like this. If that stupid boy did anything-"

"For the last time dad, this isn't his fault!" I shrieked. "Okay?! This is my fault, I just had a bad day. I'm not made out of steel, so stop acting like I am. Just….stay out of this. I'm fine." I snapped.

"But-"

"No." I glared at him and walked back upstairs, leaving my water behind. I felt powerless, and found it hard to breathe. Suddenly a beam of light attracted my eye. The light from the moon had been reflected on the shards of glass on the floor. The temptation was immense, and I felt myself drawn to the small broken pieces of crystal. Before I could register what I was doing I had a large piece in my hand and had pressed it against my wrist.

"Oh my gosh no!" I gasped as I hurled the glass out my window. I gripped my arm against my chest and closed my eyes. I couldn't believe what I had almost done. This was not like me, I was stronger than this.  
>Or was I?<p>

I once again felt myself drawn to the tiny pieces of pain. Just one cut perhaps? Just to test it out?  
>I picked up another shard and pressed it to my wrist once again. Taking a deep breath, I slid it across slowly, biting my lip as the pain surged through my body. I felt myself collapse to the ground, the pleasure seeping through my veins. I grabbed the glass greedily and dragged it across again, and again, and again. Finally, all the sadness that once swallowed me was now but a dull pounding, and I could feel my body relaxing. I looked down at the damage I had done. Bright red blood dripped down my arm and onto my glass covered carpet. I grinned evilly until I remembered my mom came in my room every once in a while. I quickly ran over to my bathroom and thrust my bleeding wrist under the sink.<br>Once the bleeding had somewhat stopped I walked back over to my room and cleaned up the blood. I left the glass shards laying around, they were too hard to pick up by hand.

When I was finished I sat on my bed and looked over my skin. The cuts weren't very deep, but they had bled a lot. Touching them gently, I felt myself wanting more, needing more. However, I had already done enough and so instead I pulled the covers over my head and burrowed in my bed. I felt the weight of all that had happened today fall over me and I fell asleep.


	2. Panic! In the Morning

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I woke up to the sun blaring through my window. I groaned, and blinked a few times to clear my eyes. I gasped when my vision cleared, for my room was atrocious. Broken glass lay scattered amongst the carpet, a trail of blood leading to the bathroom was very visible as well. My once white sink was covered in splashes of red, and my washcloth was no longer white either. Bloody footprints led out of my room and all around it.

I quickly sat up and threw the covers off my bed. Blood covered the sheets, and my arms were also covered in the dried liquid.  
>I thought it stopped bleeding last night…<p>

I glanced at the clock. I had an hour until I had to leave for school. I bit my lip and looked around my room, hoping I'd be able to get it all cleaned up before my mom and dad woke up.

I hopped out of bed, but fell to the floor with a crash. Pain surged through my feet, and I winced as I felt blood leaving my body. A few pieces of glass had been lodged in my feet, and they had cut deeper when I stood.

"Shit." I groaned, as I pulled myself up to a sitting position. I carefully pulled the glass pieces out, and then crawled to my bathroom. The room was dark, but I knew where everything was. I fumbled with the cabinet handle for a minute before finally getting it open. The contents of the area were scattered as I scoured for Band-Aids. Eventually I found some, and I covered my feet with all I had until the cuts from the glass were covered. Gripping the counter, I pulled myself to my feet. I winced as more pain flooded my body, but it wasn't as severe now that the glass was gone.

I contemplated the idea of showering, but dismissed it when I thought of the amount of time I had. I ran my arm under some cold water instead, and washed off the evidence from last night. Eventually, all that was left on me were the very visible cuts from the night before. I groaned, how was I going to hide these?

Shaking my head, I continued cleaning up my bathroom and room. I swept as much of the glass as I could over to a corner, not wanting to rid myself of it yet. I threw my sheets in the wash along with my pajamas and clothing from the night before. The blood stains on the carpet were harder to remove, but with enough scrubbing my carpet was spotless. I also managed to get the ones on the steps, without my parents waking up.

I wiped my forehead and sat back against my bed, my room finally looking how it did the week before. Clean, and blood free.  
>Suddenly the door to my parents' room opened and I heard footsteps coming my way. I jumped to my feet.<p>

"Spencer, are you awake?" My mom's voice was audible from the outside of my door.

"Yeah mom, just getting dressed here!" I quickly grabbed a pair of jeans and pulled them on.

"Okay, can I come in?"

"Just a minute mom!" I yelled, while slipping a shirt on. I ran a brush through my hair and put it up, to hide some of its messiness.

"Are you ready now?" My mom called.

"Almost!"

I glanced at my arm. The lines were still visible, I didn't know what to do. Makeup clearly wouldn't cover it up, and Band-Aids would be too obvious. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a sweater and was pulling it on when my mother burst into my room.

"Sorry honey, I just wanted to drop these off before you left." She smiled and handed me the laundry I had put in that morning.

"Oh, thanks mom." I smiled and she left the room. I glanced at my arms. The darkness of the sweater covered the cuts, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I set the sheets on my bed to mess with later, and walked downstairs.

My parents were still upstairs, so I grabbed an apple and fixed myself some coffee. I was on my way out the door when my mother finally came downstairs.

"Hey honey, how did you sleep?" She asked.

"Oh…uh it was fine." I stammered. Did she hear what I was doing last night?

"That's great. Are you feeling any better today?"

"Yeah. Sleep really helped." I lied.

"Oh that's good. Well you should get to school. If you need anything, you can always call." She smiled and walked over to the coffee pot.

"Thanks mom. See you later."

I walked out the door and sighed. She didn't seem to have suspected a thing. I looked down at my sleeves and tugged on them a little bit, paranoid that they would slide up my arm and show everyone my new secret.

I was still fumbling with my sleeves when Aria's car pulled up to my driveway.

"Earth to Spence, let's go!" She called. I walked over and got into her car.

"Thanks for picking me up." I muttered softly. I had texted her last night asking for a ride. Toby usually drove me, however I didn't want to see him at all.

"No problem." Aria smiled, and we sat in silence for a while.

"So…is there any reason as to why you were up at 2:30 in the morning?" She asked me.

So I maybe texted her more around the morning then at night…what does it matter?

"I uh…I couldn't sleep and remembered I needed a ride. Sorry." I mumbled.

"No don't be sorry, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Are you?"

"Huh?" I had been playing with my sleeves, and zoned out a bit.

"Are you okay?" Aria asked.

"Oh! Of course!" I said with a fake smile. She smiled back, and turned to the road.

Minutes later we arrived at school. I opened the door and was about to dash to class, when I remembered to thank Aria.

"Hey, thanks again for the ride. Sorry it was such short notice."

"That's okay! I'm glad I got your text otherwise you'd probably be still standing at your house!" She joked.

I smiled halfheartedly and we walked into the building.


	3. A Steadily Growing Addiction

_ARIA'S POV:_

I glanced at Spencer, deep in thought. My mind was piling up question after question.

_Why couldn't she sleep last night?_

_Why did she need a ride?_

_Didn't Toby usually take her?_

_Why was she so quiet on the way here?_

_Why is she wearing a sweater, it's like 70 degrees out?_

I was about to stop her and get some answers when we arrived at her class. I hadn't even noticed.

"I'll see you later Aria."

I watched as Spencer walked into her classroom and sat down.

"See you later…" I muttered, although the classroom door was closed and she couldn't hear me.

I walked off to fin Hanna and Emily, and discuss Spencer's odd behavior. Maybe one of them had heard something.

_HANNA'S POV:_

"So who could this beach hottie be?" I asked.

"I'm not sure, what if it's Wilden?" Emily questioned.

"Wilden? Ew! No way." I argued. Em rolled her eyes.

"Okay, well if it's not…" Emily trailed off.

"What? If what's not?" I asked, but she didn't respond. I turned to where she was staring. Aria was walking over to us, a panicked look on her face.

"What's wrong Aria?" I asked.

"I don't know, but I think something's wrong with Spencer." She muttered quickly.

"Spencer? Why? What happened?" Emily shot questions at Aria.

"I don't know, but she was really quiet this morning."

"Wait, when did you see her this morning? Where is she?" I asked.

"I picked her up and drove her here, and she's in class." Aria responded.

"Wait, why did you pick her up? Doesn't she usually ride with Toby?" Emily stated.

"Yeah, that's part of it. Guys, she texted me at 2:30 asking for a ride." Aria's eyes were wide with worry.

"What was she doing up that early? You don't think her and Toby had a fight do you?" Emily panicked.

"I don't know, I thought one of you might know."

I shook my head. "No, this is the first we've heard of this."

"Okay. Well we'll discuss this later. I've got to get to class." Aria smiled sadly and walked off.

"Yeah, I've got to go too." I said, looking at my watch. "Don't get too stressed over this Emily, I'm sure everything's fine." I reassured her. Her kind heart can be filled with worry faster than someone's bladder after four cans of soda.

Trust me; I would know what that feels like.

_EMILY'S POV:_

I know Hanna told me to stop worrying, but I couldn't keep my mind off Spencer the entire class period. I just couldn't shake off the feeling that something was wrong.

"Emily? Do you know the answer?" My history teacher questioned.

"What?" I jolted back into reality. I could hear a few snickers throughout the classroom and I felt my face heating up.

"Please stay with us Ms. Fields." She scolded. I nodded and tried my best to push my worry to the back of my mind, but when the bell rang I was out of that classroom faster than lightning.

I practically plowed a few kids over on my way to Mr. Fitz's room. We all had English together, and I was hoping to talk to Spencer, or Aria.

I set my stuff down and watched as Spencer walked into the room.

"Hey Spence!" I called. She looked up, and I saw the dark circles that resided under her eyes.

"Hey Emily." She said softly, yawning afterwards.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah I'm fine, just a little tired." She said with a smile. I nodded and watched as she sat down at her desk.

Moments later Aria and Hanna walked in, and I saw that they too were focused on our other friend.  
>Eventually the bell rang, and I had to turn and face Mr. Fitz. Every once in a while I'd glance back at Spencer. She kept tapping her foot, and seemed very agitated. I wondered what was wrong.<p>

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I felt my throat tighten, the anxiety building up inside me. _What if someone saw my cuts? Do the others know? Why does Emily keep looking at me? Is it that obvious?_

I felt myself fumbling with my sleeves again, and I felt the urge to leave the classroom and do it again. However, I know I shouldn't.

A few more minutes passed, but the temptation was unbearable. I raised my hand slowly.

"Yes Spencer?" Ezra asked.

"May I use the restroom?" I asked, as calmly as I could.

"Of course." He smiled and I got up. I thanked him as I walked towards the bathroom.

I couldn't get there fast enough. When I got inside I glanced around. All the stalls were open, so I was the only one there.

I smiled and pulled the glass shard out of my pocket. I had slipped it in there this morning just in case. I didn't think I would need it this soon, but I was glad I brought it anyways. Little did I know I had already become dangerously addicted to the easy escape route. I dragged it across a few times, just enough to calm my troubled soul. When I was done, I washed the blood off, and pulled my sleeves down to cover it up. I glanced up at my reflection. I looked like crap.

My hair was messy, even though I had it pulled up. My eyes were bloodstained, and I had circles under my eyelids. I groaned, and walked out of the bathroom. There wasn't much I could do at this point in the day.

I walked back into the classroom, and immediately felt Emily's eyes on me. _Did she know?_

I was worried that I would start getting anxious again, but the fresh pain kept me focused, and I didn't have any more worries the rest of the hour.


	4. The Masquerade Slips

**CHAPTER 4: The Masquerade Slips**

_EMILY'S POV_:

I knew something was up when Spencer left the classroom to go to the bathroom. She had been fiddling with things for the past ten minutes, and when she left, I questioned her reasoning. I thought about going after her, but I figured that would be too suspicious. Especially since there could be nothing wrong, and I could just be over exaggerating.

I thought about her the entire time she was gone, until I heard the door opening. I glanced up as she walked in. She met my eye but looked away. Whatever had been bothering her earlier didn't seem to be bothering her anymore, for she sat still the entire rest of the class.

_Maybe she just really had to go to the bathroom,_ I told myself.

By lunchtime I had billions of unanswered questions in my head, however I knew that if I bombarded Spencer with them she would be freaked out.

I sat down, waiting for everyone else to show up.

"Hey Em!" Hanna chimed as she sat down.

"Hey Hanna, hey Emily." Aria sat down right after her.

"Hey guys." I mumbled back.

"What's wrong Emily?" Aria asked.

"Oh, nothing. I'm just worried about Spencer." I replied.

"Me too, did you guys think it was weird how she left in the middle of class?" Aria asked.

Hanna nodded, but then put her finger to her lips. Spencer sat down moments later, and I smiled at Hanna to thank her for warning us.

"Hey Spencer." Aria said with a smile. Spencer looked up, and smiled.

"Hey Aria. Hey guys." She glanced at the rest of us before letting her eyes fall back to the ground.

I glanced at Hanna and Aria, and they nodded.

"Hey Spence, what's up?" I asked. She looked at me as if I had grown a third eye, and then shrugged.

"Not much. I had a test in French today." She muttered.

"Cool." I smiled. She looked up again, and then over at Hanna and Aria.

"What's up guys, you're all looking at me like my skin is purple." She questioned.

"Spencer, is everything okay between you and Toby?" Aria asked. Spencer visibly tensed up at the mention of his name.

"Yeah. It's fine." She snapped.

"Are you sure? Because you've been really spacey today." Aria said.

"I just didn't get much sleep last night." Spencer replied.

"We can tell." Hanna commented.

"Hanna!" I scolded.

"What? I'm trying to be an honest friend."

"Thanks guys, I've got to go. I'm fine, really." Spencer smiled, although I could tell it was fake, and then walked off.

Aria glared at Hanna.

"Great, you scared her off." She groaned.

"Me? Emily was over there being all judgey eyed." Hanna mumbled.

"Really? Me?" I argued.

"Guys, stop. This is not going to help Spencer. Clearly she's going through something right now, so we just need to be here for her. We have to be really careful what we say." Aria explained.

I nodded. "Did you see how she tensed up when you said Toby's name?" I asked.

Aria and Hanna both nodded.

"I hope everything's okay between them." Hanna frowned.

"I'm sure we're all just overreacting." Aria said with a tight smile. "We should get to class."  
>I nodded, and followed her out of the courtyard.<p>

_SPENCER'S POV_

I sat outside, waiting for Aria. She had offered to drive me home, as she figured I didn't have a ride. She was right, I didn't, not with what had happened between Toby and I. I shuddered as I remembered our conversation at lunch.

_Did they know?_

_How could they know?_

I shook my head to rid myself of the questions. They were giving me a headache. Instead, I sat and fumbled with my sleeves some more. Every once in a while I would trace the cuts on my arm, making sure no one was around to see.

I must have zoned out because I didn't hear Aria approach me.

_ARIA'S POV:_

I had finished talking to Ezra, and was walking out the doors when I saw Spencer waiting for me.  
><em>Shoot<em>! I wonder how long she's been waiting…

I speed-walked over there, thinking of how to apologize for taking so long. Her head hung low, and she was staring at her sleeve. Her fingers constantly moved, tapping and fumbling with the thread.

"Spence?" I asked. She didn't respond.  
><em>Maybe she didn't hear me…<em>

I took a few steps closer, and that's when I saw it. She had pulled up her sleeve and was tracing her wrist with her finger.

What the heck is she doing..

I leaned forward a little to see what was going on. Suddenly she snapped back to life, and stood up, hastily pulling her sleeve back down. But it was too late.  
>"Spencer, what was on your wrist?"<p> 


	5. Fear and Fabrications

**CHAPTER 5: Fear and Fabrications **

_SPENCER'S POV:_

"Spencer, what was on your wrist?"

I felt my heart stop. My palms grew sweaty, and I wondered what to say.

"Oh nothing." I faked a smile and grabbed my stuff. "Are you ready to go?"

She must have seen past my lies because she stepped even closer to me.

"Spencer, that was not nothing." She was dead serious, and it scared me.

"Look, I just fell okay? We have some really bad rose bushes in the backyard, it's not a big deal."  
>I crossed my fingers behind my back, hoping she'd buy the lie I had just told her. After a few moments of intently staring me down, she relaxed.<p>

"Okay. If you say so." She smiled, and we walked over to her car. I praised the spurt of luck I had had, and hopped in her car. She dropped me off at home without further questioning, although she seemed very deep in thought. I hoped she wouldn't figure it out, we didn't have rosebushes in our backyard. I had panicked a little.

A little? Yeah right..

Okay, maybe a lot.

I groaned and shook my head. Get it together Spencer, talking to yourself is not going to help anything.

"What am I thinking…" I muttered out loud as I walked inside my house. These past few hours had been a huge mess, and I had the feeling they were going to get worse.

_EMILY'S POV:_

I couldn't believe it. Aria had just called me, explaining what she had seen on Spencer.

"Maybe you're making it worse than it really is." I replied, not wanting to believe our friend would do such a thing.

"I'm serious Emily, this seemed to be pretty…pretty intense. And when I asked her what it was, she seemed really tense."

I groaned. "Why would she do this? Doesn't she know she can always come to us with her problems? Why did she feel as though that was the only way out?" I ranted.

"I don't know Em, I don't even know if what I saw was what we're thinking. Maybe you're right, maybe I'm just overreacting. Either way, we need to keep an eye on her. She's acting strange." Aria replied.

"Absolutely. Does Hanna know?" I asked.

"Not yet. I'll call her next."

"Sounds good. I have to get some stuff done, thanks for calling Aria." I had a bunch of homework, and I was going to need some time to think this new event over.

"No problem, I'm just really worried."

I sighed. "Me too Aria, me too."

"Okay. I'm going to call Hanna, I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"Night Aria."

"Night Em."

She hung up, and I placed my phone on my desk. I tried to get my homework done, but Spencer was clouding up my thoughts. I was so worried.

I picked up my phone again and called Toby. Maybe he would know what's up.

I waited for him to pick up, but I got his voicemail. Sighing, I decided to leave him a voicemail, maybe he was busy working.

"Hey Toby, this is Emily. I don't know if you know this, but Spencer's been acting really out of it lately. We're all really worried about her, and I was just wondering if you know what's up. Call me when you get a chance."

I tossed my phone over to my bed, and pulled my homework back out. I felt better calling Toby, but I hoped that he would call by the end of the night, or I wouldn't get much sleep.

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I opened the door and walked inside. Setting my backpack down on the floor, I walked over to the island.

"Hello Spencer." My dad was sitting at the counter.

"Hey dad." I smiled at him.

"How was school honey?" He asked.

"Oh it was fine." I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and took a sip.

"Are you sure it was fine?" He asked again, starting to seem a bit agitated.

"Yeah dad, it was alright. Why does it matter so much to you?" I questioned, raising my eyebrow.

My dad sighed and pulled out a piece of paper. He handed it to me, and I looked it over. It was a math test from yesterday, I had gotten an 85 on it.

"What's this about dad?" I asked.

"Spencer! You got a B on a math test!" He half-yelled.

"Yeah I know, but it's not a big deal. I still have an A in the class." I stated.

"Spencer, one slip up like this could be the start of a pattern. You should have studied more! A B is unacceptable!" He had raised his voice and was yelling now.

"I'm sorry dad! I'll do better next time!"

"No! Sorry does not fix this, I expected more from you. I'm going upstairs to discuss this with your mother. If you get one more low grade, you will be grounded. Do you understand?" He snapped. I felt my eyes tearing up, but showing weakness would make things much worse.

"Yes dad. I understand." I replied solemnly.

"Good. Night Spencer." He walked upstairs, and I felt myself let out the breath I didn't know I had been holding.

I know I slipped, and missed a few questions on the test, but I still had an A in the class! And honestly, an 85 wasn't all that bad, I know Hanna and her mom would be celebrating if she brought a grade like that home.

I sighed and started to head upstairs when I heard something from downstairs. Melissa was sitting on the couch, a smug look on her face.

"So Spencer, a B huh?" She teased.

I groaned. "Shut up Melissa, it's none of your business."

"Oh, but Spencer, it is my business. You see, if you start failing your classes, you're bringing the whole family down. Don't you get it? We have a name to protect. The Hastings don't get B's Spencer. You should be more careful." She lectured.

"I already talked to dad, it was one mistake."

Melissa frowned. "Oh Spencer, just keep telling yourself that." She smiled and walked up to me. "We all know that you've made more mistakes then that." She grinned sickly and walked upstairs.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I shouted.

Melissa shrugged. "You're the one making the mistakes, not me. I think you can figure it out." She walked into my parent's bedroom, and I felt my heart start to crack.

She was right. I was ruining this family. First with the police showing up at our house for questioning, to Ian's death, to Toby betraying me.

I trudged upstairs and walked into my room.

I grabbed the piece of glass I had been using and sunk to the floor of my bathroom. It shone under the florescent lighting. I sighed and brought the glass to my wrist again, but changed my mind.

Instead, I pulled out my phone and called Toby.

He didn't pick up, but that was expected. I left him a message instead.

"Hey Toby. It's me. I'm not calling to say I forgive you, I just want some answers. Please call me back if you're ready to explain why you did what you did." I set the phone down on the floor.

I started to proceed with my "activity" when I thought back to earlier today. Aria had already almost seen my wrist, and everyone else could have seen it too. I needed to do it in a better place.

I pulled my jeans down and tossed them onto the floor. Taking the piece of glass, I moved it back and forth across my thighs, until all the anxieties and demons from the day were left, drowning in the puddles of their own blood. Of my blood.

Feeling calmer, I spent the rest of the night calling and leaving messages for Toby. Now that I could focus, all I wanted was answers. 


	6. Poof! And She's Gone

**CHAPTER 6: Poof! And She's Gone**

_HANNA'S POV:_

When I got to school the next morning I immediately looked for Spencer. After hearing Aria explain some serious stuff to me last night, I was not about to let the dark haired girl out of my sight.

"Hey Hanna." I turned and saw Emily.

"Hey Em. Have you seen Spencer?" I asked.

"No, have you?" She had dark circles under her eyes, and it didn't look like she had slept much.

"No. How'd you sleep last night?" I knew the answer, but I wanted to make conversation.

"I slept horribly. I was too worried about Spencer." Emily tapped her fingers on her binder nervously.

"I think we all were." I pat her on the back sympathetically.

"Hey guys."

I turned, Spencer had approached us. She looked worse than Emily. Her hair was tangled, and it looked as though she hadn't showered for the past few nights. She had darker circles under her eyes than both of us, and her eyes had lost all shine.

"Hey Spencer! Are you okay?" Emily asked hurriedly.

"Yeah I'm fine." Spencer smiled, but it was a strained effort.

"Are you sure? You look horrible." I asked.

I felt Emily elbow me hard in the stomach.

"She's wrong, you don't look that bad." Emily said, shooting daggers at me through her piercing eyes.

"No, I'm sure I look horrible. I just haven't been sleeping very well." Spencer laughed dryly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Hanna asked.

"No it's fine. I can deal with it." Spencer smiled (once again strained) and started walking.

"I have to get to class." She had gotten a few yards away when I decided to go after her. I grabbed her arm and dragged her into the closest bathroom.

"What's going on Spencer? You're not yourself. Something's wrong." I sated bluntly. Spencer frowned.

"I'm fi-"

"Cut the crap Spencer. You are not fine. What's going on." I demanded. I was not going to leave this bathroom until I had some answers.

Spencer hung her head, and I could see tears starting to form in her eyes.

"T-Toby broke up with me." She whimpered. I gasped, and felt myself pulling her towards me.

"Oh god Spencer, I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." I repeated, as she started crying into my shoulder. I wanted to ask why, but now was not the time.

Spencer must have realized what was happening because she jolted back and started frantically wiping her eyes.

"I'm so sorry Hanna, I didn't mean to get so emotional. I should go."

Before I could say anything to stop her, she was out of the bathroom.

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I speed walked to my next class. I couldn't believe I had let my walls down for Hanna. At least I didn't tell her the whole truth. I paused outside the classroom door. Most of the kids were still lounging around the school waiting for the last few minutes to get to class. Making a last minute decision, I turned around and headed for the parking lot instead. I was careful not to let any of my friends see me as I walked out of the building.

Once outside, I contemplated calling my sister to pick me up, but I knew she would tell my parents and raise hell about it. I decided to call a cab instead.

I waited by the curb, looking at the ground. Tears of anger and disappointment welled in my eyes.

_How could I? I wasn't supposed to tell Hanna about Toby, I wasn't planning on telling anyone. Why was I so foolish? Why did I crack so easily?_

I was so busy scolding myself that I didn't notice the cab pull up.

"Did you call m'am?" The driver asked nicely.

"Huh? Oh, yeah!" I jolted back to reality and stepped inside the vehicle.

I gave the driver my address and we were on our way.

"Shouldn't you be in school?" The driver turned around and asked me.

"It doesn't matter." I snapped.

"Alright. If you say so." He turned back, and we rode the rest of the way in silence.

_ARIA'S POV:_

I walked to class, keeping my eye out for Spencer. I hadn't seen her since that morning, when she left for class.

I walked into my science class, and turned eagerly to where Spencer normally sat. However, she wasn't there.

_Maybe she's in the bathroom_, I thought.

A few minutes passed, and Spencer still hasn't shown.

_Maybe she's getting some help on an assignment_, I reassured myself.

However, when the bell rang, and Spencer still wasn't there, that's when I got worried. _Where could she be?_  
>The rest of class went by slowly, and I was relieved when the bell finally let us go. Spencer hadn't shown up all hour, and my anxiety was building.<p>

I walked over to the lunch tables and sat down next to Hanna.

"Hey Hanna, have you seen Spencer?" I asked.

"What do you mean? I saw her this morning?" Hanna questioned.

"She wasn't in my science class." I chided.

"Who wasn't?" Emily sat down next to me.

"Spencer, she never showed up for fourth hour." I repeated.

"She wasn't in my math class either." Emily realized.

"Do you think she ditched?"

I looked at Hanna, who posed the question.

"This is Spencer we're talking about. She'd never ditch." I reassured her, and myself.

"I don't know Aria. Spencer hasn't been herself lately. It's very likely that she skipped." Emily said.

I sighed and looked down at my lunch. The anxiety building in me was about to explode, and I lost my appetite.

"Oh that reminds me, I know what's wrong with Spencer." Hanna remarked casually.

"What?! Seriously!?" Emily practically shouted. "Tell us!"

"Calm down, you're yelling louder than Jenna." Hanna commented.

"Jenna's blind, not deaf." I reminded her.

"So what? Anyways, when Spencer walked away from us today I took her into the bathroom to talk. We shared some thoughts, and she confessed what was making her upset!" Hanna replied excitedly.

"Okay, but what's that?!" Emily demanded.

"Toby broke up with her." Hanna stated.

Emily gasped, and I felt my skin grow cold.

"You're kidding..." I mumbled. Spencer and Toby shared a unique bond that I had always assumed would never be broken. I guess I had been wrong.

"What happened? Why would he do that?" Emily panicked.

"How would I know? That's all I could get out of her before she realized what she was doing and escaped." Hanna shrugged.

Emily nodded, and looked away, lost in thought.

I looked over at Hanna, and I could tell we were thinking the same thing.

_What happened to separate them?__  
><em> 


	7. Sisterly, Love?

**CHAPTER 7: Sisterly…Love?**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I stumbled into the house, and tossed my backpack to the floor. Melissa was out doing god knows what, and my parents were working, so I had the house to myself. I threw myself on the bed and groaned. Why was life so tiring all the time? I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up Melissa was shaking me.

"Spencer!" She said sharply. "Spencer wake up!"

"What time is it…" I asked drowsily.

"It's half past noon, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at school?" She hounded me.

"I just couldn't do it today." I rasped, laying my head back on the couch.

Melissa grew quiet. She seemed to be lost in thought.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled.

"It's okay Spencer. I understand." Melissa smiled sweetly.

"Thank you I- wait what?" I jolted upwards, regretting it quickly as my head throbbed. My palms sprung to my head and I sat for a minute before raising my eyes to look at Melissa.

"I understand Spence. You don't seem to be feeling so well right now, so I get why you stayed home."

She looked at me worriedly. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

I smiled weakly. "I'm alright, thanks."

Melissa nodded slowly, and glanced at the ground. "Hey….I'm sorry for what I said the other day about you bringing our family a bad name and such. I didn't mean it, I guess I was just glad it was you instead of me. I'm really sorry." She looked up at me, and I could tell she meant it.

"Thanks Melissa." I said with a yawn.

"Why don't you get some rest upstairs? I can bring up your stuff." She offered.

"That's okay. I'll get it later." I groaned and stood up. I must have stood up too quickly because my vision blurred and I stumbled. I felt Melissa's hands on my shoulders.

"Spence?" She asked worriedly. "When was the last time you slept?"

I closed my eyes to regain my balance before answering. "Three days ago?" I questioned. I had no idea.  
>"Okay. Well you need to get some sleep. Can you make it upstairs on your own?" She didn't seem so sure.<p>

"Yeah, I'm okay now." I smiled and dragged myself upstairs. My brain was clouded with thoughts, but one stuck out to me. _Why was Melissa being so nice to me?_

_MELISSA'S POV:_

I watched as Spencer stumbled upstairs. She was so out of it, I feared for her sanity. I felt horrible about what I had said to her, but she didn't seem to mind too much. That worried me slightly, and I reminded myself to check in on her periodically.

I moved Spencer's backpack to the closet so that it wouldn't be the first thing my parents saw when they got home. That would stir up some trouble Spencer didn't need right now.

Filling a cup of water, I walked upstairs to Spencer's room.

"Hey Spence, I brought you some water if you want it…." I mentioned as I cracked the door open.

Spencer was sprawled across the middle of the bed, knocked out. I smiled to myself and set the water on her nightstand.

"Spencer, come on, you have to get out of your clothes." I shook her gently. She stirred, and drowsily opened her eyes.

"Huh?"

"Come on, I'll help you."

Spencer got out of bed, and I helped her get her pajamas on. I figured she'd sleep better and be more comfortable in them. After that, I watched as she crawled into bed. Her eyes were glazed over, and I could tell she wasn't entirely awake.

"Goodnight Spencer." I muttered.

"Goodnight Melissa. I love you." She yawned.

I smiled. Spencer rarely stated her feelings. "I love you too…" I whispered, but she had already crashed. I sighed, and walked out of the room, closing the door behind me. 


	8. Friendly Interventions

**CHAPTER 8: Friendly Interventions**

_EMILY'S POV:_

I sat on my bed, listening to music. I had a ton of homework to get done, and I couldn't focus at all. Spencer hadn't shown up the rest of the day, and my worries were getting the best of me.

"Need anything?" My mom peeked her head in.

"No, but thanks mom." I smiled, and she closed the door as she left. I sat, staring at my homework a while longer, before sighing dramatically and falling back onto my bed. I looked up at the ceiling, and muttered to myself; "I can't do this anymore."

I got up and tossed my textbooks to the floor. Grabbing my coat, I pulled on some boots and headed downstairs. I told my mom where I was going, and hopped in my car. I couldn't stand it anymore, I needed to go check on Spencer and make sure she was okay.

I drove as fast as I could, and got there in record time. As I got out, I noticed two cars pulling up next to me. Aria and Hanna.

"Same idea huh?" Aria chided as she hopped out of the car.

I nodded, and laughed as Hanna struggled to get out of her vehicle.

"My purse is stuck on the stupid seatbelt…" She muttered angrily. Aria laughed and helped her become untangled.

Together, the three of us walked up to Spencer's door.

"Who wants to knock?" Aria asked.

I looked at the ground. It seemed like such a simple task, but all of us were so scared of what would be on the other side, we were afraid to knock.

"Oh for Pete's sake I'll do it." Hanna sighed.

She raised her hand and rapped on the wooden frame, as we crossed our fingers, hoping for the best. 

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I woke up to the sound of knocking at our front door. I glanced down at my watch_. 4:45?! _I shook my head unbelievingly. I'd slept through almost half the day!

Groaning, I slid out of bed. _Since when was I in pajamas?_ I wondered, looking down at the clothes I had on.

I shrugged and walked downstairs. Melissa was in the bathroom, so I walked to the front door and pulled it open. When I looked away from the doorknob, I looked into the worried eyes of my best friends. _Oh shit…_

_HANNA'S POV:_

Well apparently crossing our fingers did no good. When the door opened, and Spencer was standing there, I almost had to do a double take. Spencer was wearing PJ's, and her hair was ratted and frizzy. Her eyes were glazed over, and looked dull. Her skin was pale, and she looked exhausted.

"Oh my god Spencer.." Emily gasped and immediately ran up to her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine." Spencer mumbled, but we could all see past her lie easily.

"No you're not, you need to go sit down." Aria demanded.

"No kidding, you look worse than you did this morning!" I felt Aria's hand slap me on the arm. I looked over and she was glaring at me. _Sorry _I mouthed to her.

The three of us walked into her house and made her sit on the couch. Melissa appeared out of the bathroom, and once she saw us she looked relieved. It didn't make me feel any better. _What had happened today?_  
>"Spencer, what's wrong?" Aria asked.<p>

"Is it Toby? We know he broke up with you, is that why you're so down?" I dared say.

"I'm just tired, that's all." Spencer muttered. Her eyes were so glazed over, I wondered how she could even understand us.

"Spencer, that can't be just it. You've been tired before, but you were never this down about it." Emily replied worriedly.

"Is it Toby? Did he do something?" Aria mentioned. Spencer jolted a little at Toby's name, but said nothing.

"You can talk to us Spencer! We're here for you!" I pleaded. However, she ignored me.

"Yeah, we're here for you. We've all been through tough breakups before, we know what you're going through. Please, just tell us what's wrong so we can help you!" Emily cried.

"I'm fine, really." Spencer's voice cracked a little, and we all knew she was having a hard time trying to stay composed.

"Okay, that's fine." Aria replied.

I looked at her strangely. _That's all?_ I thought. _We were so close to getting some answers, why stop?_ However, Aria glared at me, and I glanced over at Spencer. Her hands were shaking, and she looked like she was about to pass out. Clearly she didn't feel well, and hoarding her with questions wasn't going to help. I sighed, and looked up at Spencer.  
>"Do you want to watch a movie?" I asked. <p>


	9. Demons of the Night

**CHAPTER 9: Demons of the Night**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I looked up at Hanna. I was lightheaded, and my head hurt like no other, but I couldn't let my friends know that. I didn't even know why I was so out of it, but then it dawned on me. _I bet it was the blood loss…_I thought. _My body's not used to losing so much blood in such a short period of time, I bet that's it_. I sighed and turned to Hanna.

"Sure." I whispered harshly.

Hanna grinned and searched for something to eat while we watched the movie. Aria got up and put something in, I didn't even pay attention to what it was. I curled up into the couch and sighed, when I felt something warm on my back. Emily had draped a blanket over me, and was holding me with her arms. I let out a deep breath and leaned into her embrace, my head resting on her shoulder.

"I'm always here for you, you know that right?" She whispered. I nodded slowly.

I felt her squeeze my shoulder gently and affectionately, before turning her head back to the television. Hanna had returned with popcorn and pretzels, but I didn't have an appetite. I was content sitting on the couch with my friends. Aria hopped up onto the couch next to me, and Hanna sat next to Emily.

I tried to watch the movie with them, but it was one I had already seen before and I could feel myself drifting off. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep.

_EMILY'S POV:_

I was laughing at the movie when I felt my shoulder grow heavy. I looked over at Spencer, who had fallen dead asleep. Her eyes were closed, and she looked peaceful and free of all troubles. I smiled and looked back at the screen.

When the movie was over, Hanna and Aria helped clean up. I offered to help, but they said it was best to not disturb Spencer.

I was glad it was a Friday, because I wanted nothing more than to sit with my friends and spend time with them.

After everything was cleaned up, and parents were contacted, Hanna and Aria returned to their spots on the couch.

"When are Spencer's parents getting home?" I asked Aria, who had called them.

"They won't be home tonight. I guess a last minute meeting was scheduled, and they had to get a hotel. Mrs. Hastings said that Melissa is sleeping in their room tonight if we need anything." Aria responded.

"Okay, thanks." I yawned. Pulling the blanket up to cover both Spencer and me, I leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes. Spencer was still sound asleep, and Hanna was nearly passed out. Too much junk food.

"Goodnight everyone." I mumbled before drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I woke up in the middle of the night, confused and alert. I looked over at Emily who was sound asleep next to me, and Aria and Hanna who were also crashed. I didn't realize they were going to be spending the night.

Suddenly a wave of anxiety passed over me. _What if they had seen my cuts? I was asleep, I wouldn't know if they did or not! What are they going to do?_

My mind was on hyper drive, shooting questions, and scenarios at me with lightning speed. I felt my fingers shaking with nervousness, and I was taking harsh, shallow breaths. I needed to calm down.

I got up shakily and made my way over to the bathroom. I closed and locked the door behind me before turning the light on.

Groaning, I reached into the cabinet and pulled out another piece of glass I had stashed. Sinking to the floor, I brought it to my wrist and let myself go.

_ARIA'S POV:_

I woke up feeling cold. I had accidentally kicked the blanket off of me at some point in the night. Sighing, I looked over to check on Spencer.

My heart skipped a beat when all I saw was Emily and Hanna.

"Guys!" I whispered harshly. Emily jerked awake, and Hanna got up drowsily.

"Huh? What's wrong?" Hanna slurred sleepily.

"Where's Spencer?" I questioned nervously. Emily stood up immediately.

"Shit! Where did she go?" Emily panicked.

"I don't know, she was here when we fell asleep…" I trailed off.

"Ya know….the bathroom light's on…." Hanna droned.

I quickly got up and walked over there, following Emily, who I think traveled at the speed of light to get to that door.

"It's locked." Emily's voice rose in pitch as her anxiety grew.

"I got it…." Hanna rambled as she pulled a bobby pin out of her pocket. She fumbled with the door for a while before it clicked.

"Thanks Hanna." I smiled at her. She nodded and waved me on."

"Whatever.." She was obviously nowhere near being awake at the moment.

Emily thrust the door open, and screamed. 


	10. Open and Exposed

**CHAPTER 10: Open and Exposed**  
><em><br>ARIA'S POV:_

Spencer was sitting on the floor, holding a piece of glass in her hand. Blood pooled on the floor, and covered her wrist like paint. Her eyes had that same glazed over expression, and she was slowly bringing the glass across her wrist, almost like a robot.

"OH MY GOD SPENCER!" I shrieked and ran forward. Emily was paralyzed by the door, and Hanna had just snapped awake.

I grabbed tried to grab the piece of glass from her hand but she wouldn't let go.

Hanna ran over and sat next to me.

"Spencer..p-please let go…don't do this Spencer…" I sobbed, as she held to the glass tightly. Something must have clicked because her eyes focused again, and she looked down at her wrist before looking at me. Tears welled in her eyes.

"I'm so s-sorry….." Spencer whimpered and her lip quivered.

"No Spencer, don't be sorry. Just…why would you do this? We're here for you…we love you…you didn't need to do this….we could have helped you…" Hanna cried.

"I'm so so sorry…" Spencer choked.

I leaned forward and pulled Spencer into a tight hug. The piece of glass hit the floor as Spencer reached for me, finally breaking after being strong for so long. She sobbed into my shoulder, taking huge raspy gulps of air every few seconds. Hanna joined in the circle, crying just as hard as Spencer.

I looked up when I felt Emily join the hug. She was crying more than the rest of us combined. I knew how much this must hurt her. She's the most kind-hearted out of all of us, and hates seeing people suffer.

"Spencer…we love you so much…I love you so much…please….don't do this anymore…don't even think about it…you have other options, people that care about you. I can't stand seeing you hurting Spencer. What's wrong, why are you hurting so much?" Emily sobbed.

Spencer shook as she pulled away from me. "I…I made a discovery." She rasped, her voice and body shaking. "Toby…Toby…is A."

I gasped, and Emily recoiled in fright.

"You've got to be kidding.." Hanna muttered.

Spencer broke into sobs again, and I pulled her into a hug once more. Hanna and Emily looked at me, and I nodded. We were all thinking the same thing. We needed to get Spencer to lie down somewhere.

"Spencer, let's go back to the couch, okay?" Emily asked. Spencer nodded.

Together, we helped her get up. I steadied her as Emily wiped the blood off of Spencer's arm. Red, angry cuts laced her forearm, and Emily shook just looking at them.

We walked out of the bathroom, I was stilling holding Spencer's hand, afraid she might pass out.

"Do you want anything to drink?" I asked once I thought she was okay enough to stand on her own.  
>She nodded, and I let go of her hand to grab a cup. However, when I turned back around, Emily was frantically trying to pick Spencer up.<p>

"What happened?" I asked. "I was turned around for five seconds!"

"She just collapsed. I dunno what happened." Hanna replied.

"She was probably dizzy from losing so much blood." Emily explained. Together, the two of them managed to get Spencer onto the couch.

I brought the glass of water and set it on the coffee table.

"Spencer?" Emily shook Spencer slightly. Spencer stirred, and her eyes flickered open.

"What happened?" She asked frantically. Spencer tried to sit up, but Hanna forced her back down.

"Easy, it's okay. You just passed out." Emily explained.

Spencer shut her eyes tightly, as if she was trying to focus. Slowly, she pulled herself up so that she was in a sitting position. I knelt in front of the couch, ready to help her with anything.  
>A lone tear rolled down her cheek as she traced the harsh cuts on her arm.<p>

"I'm so sorry…" She whispered.

"Spencer, stop saying that, you have nothing to be sorry for." Emily reassured her.

"Well she kind of scared us…" Hanna piped up, but Emily shot her a stern look that shut her up.

"It's okay Emily. Hanna's right. I scared you guys, and I am so unbelievably sorry. I should….I should have known I had you guys to fall back on. I guess….I just didn't think about it." Spencer shook as she spoke. "I never meant for you guys to find out this way…I can't imagine what you must have thought…"

"How _did _you want us to find out?!" I snapped. Emily threw me a look, but I ignored it. "Spencer, what if we found out because you were dead! What if we found you dead, in the middle of that stupid bathroom. Is that how you wanted us to find out?!" My voice was raising in volume, but I didn't care. I was so upset, and so relieved at the same time, I was losing it.

"Aria…" Hanna's eyes had grown wide.

"Do you get it Spencer? We've all been through tough times, you are not alone! You are never alone! Why would you go to this?! This is not you! Don't you get it? We could have lost you! Is that what you wanted?! Do you really hate living that much? Do you really want to die Spencer? Spence….you can't…you can't do this to us, we need you…we love you…please…don't leave us.." I sobbed. Emily came over and wrapped me in her infamous hug.

When my crying had ceased, I looked up at Spencer. Her eyes were wide, and her face was pale. Her hands shook, and she was curled up into the couch. Hanna was over there trying to bring her back, but she gazed off into nothingness, unaware of Hanna sitting in front of her.

"Oh my god.." I cried. I bolted to my feet and ran over to her. "Spencer I am so sorry for going off at you, I didn't mean it, I was just so worried and so scared that I was going to lose you, you were so far gone…I'm so so sorry…" I grabbed her hand and squeezed it.

"I-I didn't know…" Spencer rasped.

"It's okay. It's all okay." Emily reassured her, rubbing Spencer on the back in slow circles.

"I never realized….what I was doing…could hurt you guys too.."

I sighed and looked her in the eyes. "Whatever is hurting you hurts us too. So if you're hurting yourself, we'll hurt with you. We're your friends, that's how it works."

"Aria's right. We love you so much Spencer. We'll help you get through this." Hanna added.

Spencer nodded and sighed tiredly.

"Let's get some rest. I think we all need it." Emily mentioned.

"Amen to that!" Hanna hollered and jumped onto the couch beside Spencer.

I grabbed a blanket and snuggled up between Hanna and Spencer. "Goodnight y'all." I mumbled, sinking into the couch.

"Goodnight Aria, goodnight everyone." Emily said. Spencer had already passed out, and Hanna muttered something unclear from underneath the blankets.

Before I started to fall asleep, I reached over and grabbed Spencer's hand. _Please…please be okay._ I  
>prayed. <em>We need you Spencer…<em>


	11. Because Chairs Are Overrated

**CHAPTER 11: Because Chairs are Overrated**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I woke up earlier than everyone else again. However, I wasn't anxious anymore. I felt numb. I knew that what I had done was horrible, and I knew I really hurt my friends. However, I still felt empty, and lost.

I got up slowly and walked over to the kitchen and had a seat on the floor.

"Spence?" Emily muttered. "What are you doing?" I heard the catch in her voice, as panic slowly started to take over her thoughts.

"Just sitting." I replied.

I heard her sigh with relief, and guilt snagged my chest. _How could I have done this to my friends?_ I shook my head. I didn't know…I didn't realize what consequences my actions had.

"What are you thinking about?" Emily asked. I hadn't realized she got up, because I was too busy beating myself up. She sat down next to me.

"Nothing." I muttered.

"Spencer, I know you. You were thinking about _something. _What's on your mind?"

I gulped, and took a deep breath. "I just…I feel so stupid, and so helpless. I don't know why I didn't know what I was doing when I….uh…" I felt lost for words.

"I get it. You didn't see the pain it would cause for other people too." Emily filled in for me.

"I guess." I shrugged. "I just…I feel so guilty…"

"Don't feel guilty Spencer. You had a huge turning point in your life happen so suddenly, and your mind sought out the first option to fix the problems. I just wish you had thought of talking to us first instead of hurting yourself." Emily sighed. "But what's done is done, so now we need to move on. And we'll do whatever we can to help you recover."

I nodded…but I was unsure. _Could I recover?_ I didn't realize earlier, but I already was so dependent on my method of stress relief, so would I be able to stop?

"Spencer…what are you thinking about…" Emily poked me in the shoulder.

"I…I'm really glad you guys are here for me… but I don't know how I'm going to recover." I stated plainly. "I get so worked up about everything, and I can't show my anxiety around my family because they don't understand so I bottle it up. That's always worked for me, but when I started…this… I started feeling the need to do it all the time. Every time I got anxious, or angry, I would resort to this, unable to bottle it up anymore. I don't know how to stop…I don't think I _can _stop. I feel so free when I follow through with it. It's as if every time my skin breaks, the stress leaves me. It's so…painfully blissful, and relaxing, even though it shouldn't be so." I rambled. "I don't know…"

I looked over at Emily, who was staring at her feet.

"I'm sorry…you probably didn't want to hear that."

"No…it's fine." Emily muttered.

I moved closer to her. "What's wrong?"

Emily sighed. "I guess…I never thought about it that way. When I saw you…on that floor, bleeding, I first thought that you were going to die. But that never was your intention was it? You were just trying to calm yourself…"

I nodded. "I'm sorry for scaring you so much."

"It's okay. I understand you didn't mean to." Emily stated. "But Spencer…you _can _recover. Even if you don't think you can, you will. I know it. You're strong, and even if you've been weak lately, you're strong enough to bounce back. You're a Hastings." Emily smiled.

"Ugh… yeah. Don't remind me." I rolled my eyes.

"Oh come on, don't be that way." Emily nudged me with her hand.

We sat in silence for a while before Emily piped up.

"Would…would you mind if I looked? I just…I want to make sure you don't need stitches." Emily whispered.

"Oh….okay…" I cautiously held out my arm for her. She turned it over, and looked at all the angry red marks.

"Oh Spence…" She muttered, gently tracing the cuts with her fingertips. "Well I don't think you need stitches so that's good." She said after a while.

However…my mind was elsewhere.


	12. Idiots and Imperfections

**CHAPTER 12: Idiots and Imperfections**

_EMILY'S POV:_

"Spence?" I questioned worriedly. She had been silent for a while, and her eyes were closed. I looked down at her arm, which was shaking.

"Spence what's wrong?" I stammered.

"Nothing….it's fine." Spencer snapped through gritted teeth.

"Does it hurt?" I asked.

She shook her head.

"Spence, look at me." I demanded. Spencer cautiously opened her eyes and looked into mine.

"Spencer what's wrong?" I asked again.

"I can't…" She glanced down at her arm, and her eyes widened. Suddenly she snapped her head around, eyes closed once more. She ripped her arm from my hand and brought it to her chest.

"Did I hurt you?" I asked, frightened.

She shook her head.

"Are….are you scared?" I thought after a while. She didn't move for a few seconds, but then she slowly nodded her head.

"Oh Spencer come here." I pulled her towards me and gripped her in a hug. "Now why are you scared?"

Spencer took a long harsh breath before answering. "I'm scared…every time I look at them…I want… I want…"

I shushed her and pulled her head into my lap. "Oh honey…I know. I get it." I really didn't, but I _did _understand what she meant.

"Here, how about this." I reached into the cabinet behind me and pulled out an ace bandage. "I know it's not pretty, but it might help."

Grabbing Spencer's arm, I wrapped it gently in the bandage until every cut was covered. "Does that help? Maybe now you won't have to worry about feeling the need to hurt yourself when you look down."

Spencer slowly raised her head and looked at the white thread.

"T-thank you Emily.." She muttered, astounded. "It's perfect."

I grinned. "Why thank you Ms. Hastings, I try my best."

Spencer chuckled, which was music to my ears. "You're best is wonderful Ms. Fields."

"Whatta you doin..." Hanna muttered drowsily as she hobbled over to the kitchen.

"Whoaaaa, Hanna, slow down." I stood up and grabbed her arm before she ran into the island.

"Why are you on the floor…" She yawned.

"We're just talking." I explained.

"Sure….sure…talking…great…" Hanna stuttered.

"Hanna, why don't you go back to bed, you are _not _awake." I giggled. Hanna nodded and fumbled her way back to the couch.

However, on her way she bumped into Aria's legs which were dangling off the couch.

"EZRA I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO IT!" Aria shrieked and jolted up out of the bed.

Hanna jumped and fell backwards, tripping over the coffee table.

"ARIA FOR GODS SAKE WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?!" Hanna yelled.

Aria turned bright red, and helped pick Hanna up off the floor.  
>"Oops….."<p>

"So much for falling back asleep…" Hanna muttered. "Besides, what _were _you dreaming about?!" She questioned. Aria turned a brighter shade of red than humanly possible. Upon seeing this reaction, Hanna held her hands up in mock surrender.

"Never mind… I don't want to know."

I chucked to myself, and glanced over at Spencer, who had her hands over her mouth. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

I smiled and laughed with her.

Hanna and Aria turned around and looked at us strangely, before laughing as well.

I sighed after my abs started to hurt. Looking at Spencer, who was still laughing, I smiled. Things were starting to get better. 


	13. Breakfast, Is Served

**CHAPTER 13: Breakfast, is Served**

_ARIA'S POV:_

"I'll get it!" I yelled as the timer for the microwave went off. We were all making breakfast and…it was pretty destructive.

"Hanna watch it!" Emily yelped as Hanna almost ran into her with an open carton of milk.

"Sorry! You were in the way." Hanna replied. Emily rolled her eyes.

"Hey, Spencer, pass me the eggs would you?" Emily asked. Spencer grabbed the eggs.

"Here you-"

The eggs fell to the floor and shattered. Spencer narrowed her eyes and turned to Hanna, who was smiling guilty behind her.

"Did I bump you?" She asked cautiously.

Spencer sighed. "No, I just like throwing eggs on the floor." She remarked sarcastically.

"Okay, I got it, I need to be a little more careful.." Hanna rolled her eyes.

"A lot more careful." I added. She glared at me playfully.

"Says the person who had their legs sticking out off the couch." Hanna smirked.

I felt my cheeks heating up. "Are we still on that? I thought I said sorry!"

"Guys…stop." Emily sighed. "We need to finish making these pancakes so that we can clean up this mess."

"Okay mom, I got it." Hanna joked. Emily shook her head.

"You are unbelievable."

"What? Me? No way." Hanna crossed her arms.

"You're the one making all the mess-" Emily gasped as the bag of flour she was holding ripped, pouring flour everywhere.

"You were saying?" Hanna laughed. I felt tears leak out of my eyes I was laughing so hard. Spencer's face had turned red, she was giggling so much. It made me feel better to see her so happy.

"Damn it," Emily groaned.

We all pitched in helping clean up the flour, but Emily cleaned most of it.

Finally, after many more Hanna-caused catastrophes, the pancakes were ready. I set the plates out, and Emily carried the pancakes out to the table.

"Wow…those look awesome Emily…" Spencer remarked.

"No kidding! This is sweet!" Hanna grinned and grabbed a pancake off the plate. Emily swatted her hand away.

"Could you wait until I put them on the table?" She laughed. Hanna shrugged.

"Maybe, but I'd rather not."

I sat down next to Spencer, and everyone dug into the golden pancakes of perfection Emily had made.

"Ohhhhhhh god, sooooo gooooddd…" Hanna moaned while she stuffed pancakes in her mouth.

"Can we not sound like we're having sex while we're eating?" Emily questioned Hanna.

"But these pancakes are so perfect.." Hanna replied.

I rolled my eyes. Luckily we didn't have school today. Yesterday was our last day of school before winter break.

"So I was thinking about Christmas, and I was wondering if you guys wanted to get together at my house for a gift-exchange." I suggested.

Emily's head shot up. "Yes! That sounds awesome!" Christmas was her favorite holiday.

"Sure that sounds cool!" Hanna smiled. Spencer nodded.

"Perfect." She smiled.

The rest of the meal went by smoothly, Hanna only spilled syrup once, and everyone had a good time. Later Emily had to leave to help her mom with errands, and Hanna went back to the couch and took a nap.

I yawned and stretched before finishing piling the dishes in the sink.

Suddenly Spencer's phone went off from across the room.

"Sorry, I'll get it. It's probably my mom." She smiled politely and walked over to the couch to retrieve her phone.

I watched as she picked up the phone.

"Is it your mom?" I asked after she answered.

However, her face falling was the only answer I needed.


	14. A Falling Out

**CHAPTER 14: A Falling Out**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

"Spencer…I know I have no right to call you…and you probably hate me but I wanted to check on you."

Toby's voice echoed through my brain.

"What the hell do think you're doing." I replied, my voice stone cold. I was so done with him. _What more did he want?_

"Emily called me earlier, she was worried about you…are you okay?" His voice rang with worry.

I couldn't help but laugh. It wasn't a joyful laugh, but one that was cruel and cold.

"No, I'm not okay, but what the hell do you care? You obviously don't, because when I was here falling apart, where the fuck were you?" I yelled.

"Spencer…I know I haven't been the best boyfriend but-"

"You haven't been a boyfriend at all!" I cried. "You betrayed me and my friends, yet you have the nerve to call me and apologize? You can't even apologize to my face?" Tears were flowing down my face freely.

"Spencer! Everything I have done was to protect you! I only joined the A team to protect you!" Toby cried from the other end.

"Well thank you." I snapped.

"Spencer…."

"You see Toby, you've spent so much of your time protecting me from A, when you should have been protecting me from myself." I rasped.

"I'm so sorry Spencer, I didn't know what I did would-"

"Would what? Hurt me so much? No, you didn't think about it. But that's okay, I don't need you anymore."

"No, Spencer please, don't do this…"

"No. I'm done Toby. You hurt me more than I've ever been hurt, and you knew it, but what did you do? You knew I was hurting yet you did _nothing. _I'm sorry Toby, but I….I don't want to see you again. Goodbye Toby." I cried, and pressed the red button at the bottom of the screen. My legs were shaking, and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Spencer….." Aria had walked up to me, and was rubbing my back slowly. "I'm so proud of you…" She mumbled in my ear. "You did what you had to do."

I turned around and fell into her embrace. "Then why…why did it hurt so much…" I sobbed.

"Shhhh, it's okay. Everything will be okay." Aria soothed. We stood there for about ten minutes before I broke the embrace.

"I'm sorry, I feel like I've done a lot of crying lately." I looked down at my feet.

"Oh please, this is nothing. You should see me when I watch chick flicks." Aria smiled. I laughed, my heart already feeling warmer.

"Thank you Aria, thank you so much." I grabbed her hand and squeezed it.

"I'm always here for you." Aria smiled back. "Don't forget that, don't ever forget that."

"I won't."

Aria looked down at her watch. "Oh shoot, I've got to go. Ezra wanted to meet up and get lunch. Is it okay if I leave?" She questioned.

"No no, you're fine! Go ahead, have fun." I grinned.

"Okay, let me get Hanna. I'm her ride." Aria walked over and lightly punched Hanna in the arm.

"Get up lazy butt, we're leaving." She explained.

"What, why? What happened?" Hanna rubbed her eyes drowsily.

"Nothing, it's just time to go. I have to get to lunch with Ezra in an hour or so." Aria sighed. "Come on!"

"Okay, okay, let me get my shoes." Hanna got up and slipped her boots on. She walked over to me.

"Spencer, if you ever need anything-"

"You'll be there." I chimed in. She smiled.

"Of course." She replied.

I gave her a tight hug and waved as her and Aria got in Aria's car.

Seeing them leave made me sad, but they couldn't stay over here for forever. They had other people they needed to spend time with.

I turned around as my phone buzzed. I regretted picking it up for fear it might be Toby, but ended up getting it anyways.

**Hey honey, we're on our way home. We might stop and get lunch, is there anything you want? Otherwise I'll see you in twenty minutes.**

**-Mom**

I sighed and looked around at the kitchen. I still had some things to get cleaned up before my parents got home. Melissa was still asleep, so I put the pancakes in a tuber-ware and wrote a note to her letting her know they were all hers. I also texted my mom back, and let her know I didn't want lunch. Pancakes were filling.

I threw away what was left of the breakfast, and tossed all the dishes into the dishwasher. Once everything was cleaned up, I grabbed my phone and walked upstairs to my room to get some clothes on.

I pulled out a pair of jeans and a shirt before realizing I didn't want to get changed. Instead, I jumped on my bed and laid my head back on the pillows. Suddenly I felt my phone go off again.

_Oh what does she want now.._

I pulled it out and opened the screen, but wasn't pleased with what I found.

**First Wren…  
>Now Toby…<br>Will you ever get anyone to stay?  
>-A<strong>

I groaned and sat up. I looked at my phone, my mind filling with hate. _Maybe Toby sent this, who knows? _My brain sought out someone to blame, but eventually I started blaming myself.

_Why did they leave you?_

_Why did Toby betray you?_

_Was it really to protect you?_

_Or was it an excuse to get away from you?_

_Did he ever really love you?_

I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to calm myself down. _This is what A wants, to get me worked up. I need to stay calm. _I walked over to my window and glanced outside. The trees looked gloomy without leaves, and the ground was a dull color. Everything appeared lifeless and sad, which didn't help how I was feeling. I turned away and decided to walk downstairs.

I sighed as I walked down the steps. Just walking down them was tiring, and all I could focus on was the anxiety building up in my chest.

I walked over to the counter and sat down, hoping a change of scenery from my room would help calm me down. As usual, my hope was short lived, because the anxiety kept building, and my heart beat faster than a running train.

Gasping for air I brought my knees to my chest, and buried my head in my arms. The chair under me rocked uneasily, but stayed, allowing me to remain in my fetal position. I was so out of it I didn't hear Melissa come up to me.

"Spencer?" She placed a hand on my shoulder and I jumped and nearly fell off the chair.

"Huh? Oh, hey Melissa."

"Spence…are you alright?" She asked me.

"Yeah yeah I'm fine." I smiled. My anxiety had passed for the time being, I guess Melissa must have distracted me enough to forget about it.

I hopped down from the chair and went to sit on the couch instead. _Maybe here I won't fall off…_ I thought to myself.

Melissa followed me over and sat next to me, not saying a word. We sat in silence for a good ten minutes before she finally spoke up.

"Spencer…I know it might not be a good time right now, but I need to know. Are you...are you hurting yourself?" She asked, tears welling in her eyes as she turned to face me. My eyes dropped to the ground. "I'm not trying to intrude…it's just, you were so out of it when I helped you get pajamas on, and I saw a little more than I was…. intending….." She explained slowly.

"I…I'm so sorry Melissa." I choked.

I could hear her sigh, and she scooted closer to me.

"Spencer…I don't know what's going on to make you hurt so much, and it's none of my business. I just want you to know, there's other ways out….you can talk to me. I know I may give you a hard time sometimes, but I still love you. I love you too much to sit here while you hurt yourself…" She stated.

I raised my head to look her in the eye. "I know. I love you too Melissa…I'm just… I'm having a hard time right now." I explained. "I get so anxious and so worried about stupid things, and it builds up so much…I didn't know what to do about it. I don't know what happened, but eventually I found my way out. I know…it's not okay, and I promised my friends that I'd try to stop. Just like I'll promise you."

I exhaled slowly, confident with what I was saying. Tears were streaming down Melissa's face, and she leaned forward and brought me into a hug.

"I love you so much Spencer, you're my only sister. I couldn't live without you. I'll help you any way I possibly can, I promise." She cried.

"I know…." I muttered. She pulled out of the hug and looked me in the face.

"You're beautiful Spencer, and you have some of the best friends I've ever met. They love you just as much as I do. You can get through this, I know it." She smiled sadly.

I felt myself choking up, those were the nicest things she'd said to me in a long long time.

"Thank you Melissa…I love you too." I smiled back.

We sat in silence for a little while again.

"So…what are you going to tell mom…" I asked after a while.

"I'll tell her everything you just told me. She'll understand." Melissa sighed. "Unless you'd rather tell her."

I shook my head. "No, that's okay. If you don't mind telling her I'd rather you do it. I'd be too nervous." I replied.

She nodded her understanding. The garage door rumbled, and I frantically looked at Melissa.

"It's okay, I got it. Why don't you go upstairs and rest for a minute." Melissa patted me on the back and walked over to the counter. I headed back upstairs, my anxiety starting up again. _What is mom going to think? _


	15. Losing Control

**CHAPTER 15: Losing Control**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

Once in my room, my mind shut down. The anxiety was killing me, and I felt overwhelmed and distraught.

_What was going to happen?_

_What will mom do?_

_Will I be in trouble?_

Not knowing the answers to these questions was driving me insane. I felt my knees buckle and I collapsed onto the floor in a puddle of my own demons. My fingers gripped at my hair, and my teeth chattered with fright. I so badly wanted to cut again, to feel the blood pour out of my arms as my troubles leave me, but I promised not to.

_Oh come on, a little bit won't hurt you…_

I shook my head violently. No, I couldn't do this to my friends, it hadn't even been a day yet. They don't deserve that. I have to give it a chance.

_They'll understand, just a little cut or two, that's all…_

"No, no, no, no, no…" I chanted under my breath. My mind was getting the better of me, and I felt myself drawn to the piece of glass sitting on my bathroom floor.

Moments later I had it in my hand. How, I am quite unsure.

_See, everything's fine, just a few and you'll be good for the week._

I knew it wasn't true, but my shaking hands were no match for the urges inside me. I started to pull my sleeves down before I realized what I was really doing.

"Stop!" I whispered harshly to myself. I dropped the piece of glass and rolled my sleeve back down.

I tried to crawl away from the bathroom, but my knees were almost rooted in the tile. The fluorescent lighting shone on the clear surface of the material, doing nothing but cause me more grief and lust.

_If I do it….where won't I get caught?_

I cursed myself for thinking this, but I couldn't live with the anxiety anymore. My hands were sweaty, and I was already drifting off due to a shortage of breath.

_Do it where you did before, right underneath your hip bone…no one will know.._

I gulped and nodded to myself. I reached forward, grabbed the glass, and gently pulled my pajama pants down so that my thighs were showing. The cuts that were previously there were fading, and all of them had either scarred, or scabbed over. Bringing the glass to my leg, I placed it over one of the scars.

_What are you waiting for?_

My sweaty palms shaking, I applied pressure to the skin. A small bead of red slid out from underneath the edge of the glass shard and I knew that I had gone deep enough to draw blood. From there, my hands moved on their own, gliding back and forth until my heartbeat slowed, and my mind calmed down. Sighing, I glanced down at the damage I had done. It wasn't as bad as I'd done in the past, but it definitely wasn't just a few cuts either.

I moaned as I got to my feet. I grabbed the towel hanging next to my sink and ran it under my faucet. I was about to rinse my thigh off when I glanced in the mirror.

My hair was matted, and tangled from lack of showering or any remote form of care. My eyes were dark, and circles resided under them. Red, angry cuts laced my arms and streams of red poured out from my upper legs. I was a mess.

Sighing, I leaned over and dabbed the new cuts with the wet towel. Once the bleeding finally stopped, I slid my pants back on, and wiped up the floors. After everything was cleaned up, I tossed the towel into the laundry with some other clothes that needed washing and started the washing machine.

Now that I was calm, the after-effects of my anxiety kicked in. My legs and arms felt like molasses, and I longed to curl up in bed and sleep for years. Getting so worked up had drained me of any energy I had, and I struggled to keep my eyes open.

_Beep! Beep!_

I turned drowsily as I heard my phone go off. Yawning, I walked over to where Melissa had set it after she so nicely brought it upstairs for me.

_**You have 1 new message. **_

I groaned, thinking it was A again, but continued to open the phone anyways.

**Hey Spence! I just wanted to check in on you, make sure you're doing okay. I have a few chores to get done, and I'll probably go to bed early. However, please call me if you need anything. I'm planning on coming over to see you again tomorrow, and I was wondering if you wanted to go shopping for Hanna and Aria with me? We still have a few weeks before Christmas, but I wanted to get it done. Text me back when you can. Love you! **

**-Emily**

I gulped nervously, the guilt piling up in my chest. I felt bad that I hadn't called her when I was struggling, I should have.

Sighing with remorse, I texted her back.

**Of course I'll go shopping with you. It will be a nice way to get out of the house. Goodnight Emily, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Love you too.**

**-Spencer**

I set my phone on the table next to my bed and was about to go to sleep when I heard my door open.

"I know you probably want to sleep….but….can I talk to you?"

I turned, and looked into the face of my mother.

_EMILY'S POV:_

I smiled as I read Spencer's text. I was so glad she wanted to go shopping with me. I understand Aria and Hanna want to spend time with Spencer and help her, but I secretly was looking forward to having some time with just her.

My chores finished, I leaned back on my bed and closed my eyes, thinking about tomorrow. I felt a smile creep back onto my face, and I sighed. I don't know why I was so excited about it, but I couldn't think about anything else.

_Maybe I'm having feelings for her…_

My eyes snapped open. I couldn't believe what I was thinking. _Did I really have a crush on my best friend? _I shook my head, trying to get rid of the thoughts echoing through my brain, but it was impossible.

_What about Paige?! _

My mind internally screamed at me. I had a girlfriend, a very good girlfriend who I loved very much. Or so I had thought.

_Okay...even if I did have a crush on her, there's no way she'd ever like me the same way. She's with Toby…or was…I don't really know. Either way, she's straight, I don't stand a chance. _

My happiness fell a little bit at that thought. However, I knew it was true. Spencer would never feel the same way about me as I do about her. Besides, I had Paige, who had shown me nothing but kindness. Well, apart from her almost drowning me. I loved Paige, and she loved me. It wasn't right.

I rolled over to my side and looked over at my nightstand. A framed picture of the four of us was sitting right in front of me. Aria was laughing, Hanna was making a goofy face. But Spencer, she was smiling, and she looked so happy. She looked happier than I'd seen her in a long time, and I longed for her to one day be as happy as she was then.

I sighed. The best thing I could do for Spencer and Paige was ignore my feelings, and be there for Spencer as _just _a friend. The last thing she needed right now is for her best friend to suddenly confess hidden feelings. Especially if I was already in a relationship, and she just ended one. Or so Aria told me.

Groaning, I rubbed my temple. All this thinking was starting to stress me out. Besides, why think about it? It's not like she'll ever love me anyways…

_SPENCER'S POV:_

"Of course." I replied. She glanced at the ground and pulled my desk chair up so that it was facing my bed.

"Look, Melissa informed me of everything that's been going on. I…I understand that you…you weren't thinking straight…" She started, struggling to find the right thing to say.

"To cut to the chase…your father and I love you very much, and I know we aren't physically here very often, but we really are here for you. I wish I would have known you were struggling so much, I could have helped you, I could have done something." She sighed.

"Done something like, send me to therapy?" I moaned. "Mom….I understand that may be necessary, but it didn't help before, that's why we quit."

She nodded. "I understand. I don't...I don't know how to help you, and I wish I did, but I don't think therapy is going to do any good. Maybe, maybe spending a few days in a place specialized with helping people like you would do you good." She suggested.

"No! You can't send me away, that would just make things worse." I cried.

My mom sighed. "Then what should we do? Spencer, we can't just ignore the situation. I want to help you get better, I love you." Tears welled in her eyes, and I couldn't help but inwardly cringe. I loved her, but why did everyone who talked to me start crying? Where people _that _sensitive?

"I think…I think that with the help of my friends, and with your support…I'll be able to…get better." I thought through my words carefully. "I know it doesn't sound very concrete, but…I think that that will be best.." I explained.

My mom nodded slowly. "Alright…I understand that. However, what happens if that doesn't work and you go back to…you know.."

I nodded. "Then I'll leave the decision up to you." I replied solemnly.

"Okay." She got up and was about to leave, when she turned back around. "I-I love you Spencer. Please...next time you're hurting...talk to me okay? I can't do much, but I love you so, so much, and I don't want to see you struggling."

"I understand." I smiled sadly, and she walked out of the room. Once she was gone, I let out the breath I didn't realize I had been holding. _Well that was easier than I thought it would be. _Groaning with weariness, I laid back on my bed and rolled over to my side. Closing my eyes, I curled up and fell asleep.


	16. A Rude Awakening

**CHAPTER 16: A Rude Awakening**

_EMILY'S POV:_

I woke up with excitement flowing through my veins. I loved Christmas shopping, especially when I went with my friends.

Beep! Beep!

I reached across my bed and pulled my phone out of its charging station.

_Hey babe! I was just wondering how you've been, I haven't heard from you in a while. Would you be interested in eating lunch with me today?_

_My treat! ;)_

_-Paige_

My excitement left my body at once, and was replaced by guilt. What was I going to do? I already made plans with Spencer…the girl I think I have a crush on. Does that make me a bad girlfriend?

Probably.

I groaned and quickly sent Paige a message back.

_Hey, I'm sorry but I can't hang today, I have plans with some friends. Can we get together tomorrow? _

_-Em_

I watched as the message sent, guilt hammering in my head. I glanced at my watch, it was 9:15. I was planning on heading over to Spencer's at 9:45.

Hopping out of bed, I pulled my pajamas off and walked over to my closet.

What to wear…what to wear…

I ended up throwing on a dark crimson colored sweater, with my cream scarf and dark jeans. I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and curled the ends. After I finished applying makeup, I grabbed my black boots and headed downstairs.

"Good morning Em, I made pancakes." My mom smiled at me as I walked into the kitchen.

"Thanks mom, but I have to get to Spencer's." I hugged her quickly before grabbing a granola bar and my purse.

"How is she?" My mom asked. I had talked to her last night about what all was happening.

"I think she's feeling better, but we'll have to wait and see." I replied shortly. Pulling on my coat, I hugged my mom once more and left for Spencer's house.

"Drive safely!" My mom called after me as I was about to close the door.

"Thanks mom! Love you!" I shouted back. Once the door was closed, I hopped in my car and drove off.

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I was up at 8:00. I was so anxious about today, I couldn't sleep any later.

Ugh…why am I so nervous?

I tried to focus on other things to distract myself, but nothing worked. Reading was boring, and playing

Solitaire made my head hurt because I was too distracted by other things.

Eventually, I got out of bed and showered for the first time in a while. It felt really nice, if I must say.

Once I had finished showering, and drying my hair, I applied makeup and brushed my teeth. When I was done, I looked back at the mirror.

It's definitely an improvement from last night… I thought. I didn't look so ratty anymore.

I stepped out of the bathroom and pulled my closet door open. After a long period of decision making troubles, I pulled out my white, long sleeved, button up shirt, and a pair of black jeans. It was simple, and covered everything I needed to hide.

I sighed. Guilt still clung to my chest at the thought of breaking the promise I made to my friends, even though I did my best to brush it off.

I grabbed my purse and flats before heading downstairs. My parents weren't up yet, and my sister was meeting up with some friends for coffee, so she was already gone.

I glanced at my watch, 9:20. I groaned and pulled up one of the barstools. Sitting down, I tried to calm down the butterflies that were raging through my stomach.

Why am I so nervous? I wondered.

It's just Emily, you've hung out with her before.

I ran my hands through my hair, trying to soothe the anxiety. I hadn't felt this excited for something since Toby and I's…anniversary.

I felt my eyes water at the memory of it, but I shut my eyes and refused to allow myself to cry. However, instead, I pondered this new thought.

_Do…do I like Emily? _

I shook my head rapidly, trying to erase the thought from my head.

_What am I thinking, she's my best friend. There's no way…no way…_

I tried to convince myself that Emily was just a friend, but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered.

_Do I really have feelings for Emily? Am I…am I gay? _

I bit my lip and sat back on the barstool.

Everything I was thinking made sense, why I always contacted her first when I had something to share. Why I always felt kind of envious of Paige even though I think she's a decent person.

I sighed.

Even if I do have feelings for her…she's with Paige. She'd never dump Paige just to be with me, she'd never want to be with me at all. She thinks of me as her friend, and nothing more.

I was so caught up in thinking about all these new revelations that I didn't hear the knock at the door.

Startled, I glanced out the front window. Emily's car was pulled up in the driveway.

I gulped nervously and slid off the stool. Pulling on my coat, I took a deep breath and opened the door.

_EMILY'S POV:_

I walked up to Spencer's front door, my heart beating faster with every step. I took a breath to calm the butterflies fluttering about inside me, and knocked on the door. It took a few minutes before she finally pulled the door open.

She was beautiful, and I felt myself blush at that thought. Her dark hair fell gracefully over her shoulders, and her black jeans showed off her long legs.

"Hey Em." She said quietly.

"Hey Spence." I snapped back to reality and glanced up at my friend. Despite looking excited, her eyes still had a forlorn look to them. However, I dismissed it. It had only been a day, she wasn't going to get better overnight.

"Ready to shop?" I smiled. She nodded softly and followed as I walked to my car.

"So I was thinking of hitting up the jewelry department for Aria, and maybe the perfume store for Hanna, what are you thinking?" I asked.

"That's fine." Spencer replied. I glanced over at her.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I…I guess. I feel a lot better that's for sure." She smiled reassuringly, and I believed her.

We rode the rest of the way in silence; however I kept stealing glances at the gorgeous girl sitting beside me. I know it was wrong of me, but I couldn't help it.

When we arrived at the mall, I got out quickly and held the door for Spencer as she got out.

"Thank you Ms. Fields." She joked.

I nodded solemnly and gestured to the mall. "After you Ms. Hastings." I tried to reply in a serious tone, but eventually my face fell into a grin and I laughed. She smiled back at me, and I felt overjoyed at the sight of it.

I sighed peacefully, and we walked into the mall together.

The first store we went to was this new jewelry store that had opened up about a month ago. I wandered through the many isles, trying to find something Aria might like.

Eventually I stumbled upon a pair of earrings shaped like dream-catchers with dangling feathers and everything. I smiled, this would be perfect. When I walked up to the front to pick it up, I couldn't help but notice a necklace on display. It was very simple, and had a silver flower charm on it. Inside the flower was an amber colored stone, which shone with beauty. I was awestruck by this beautiful piece.

_The amber would be perfect with Spencer's eyes…_

I smiled to myself and gently picked up the item. Carefully making sure Spencer didn't see it, I brought the items up to the register.

"Will that be all ma'am?" She asked me. I nodded and she placed the items into a bag and handed it to me.

"Thanks for shopping here, do come again!" The cashier grinned and I smiled politely before walking off to find Spencer.

"Hey!" I felt a tug on my sleeve and turned to see Spencer behind me.

"Are you done?" I asked.

"Yep." She smiled, warming my heart, and held up her bag. I tried to remember if I saw her check out, but I must have been distracted.

"Okay, there's a perfume sale over at Victoria's Secret, so I wanted to hit that up for Hanna. Are you okay with going there?" I asked.

"Of course, that sounds awesome." She nodded and we walked over to the store. Spencer paused outside the front of the store, and I glanced back at her.

"Are you coming in?" I questioned. She seemed to ponder over it, before shaking her head.

"Nah, I think I'm going to head over to Bed Bath and Beyond if that's alright." She replied.

A part of me didn't want her going off by herself, just in case something happened, but I knew I shouldn't force her to go somewhere she didn't want to.

"That's fine, how about I meet you by the food court when we're done?" I suggested.

"Sounds great!" She waved and walked off to her other store. I smiled, but secretly felt disappointed at seeing her go, even if it was only for a little bit.

SPENCER'S POV:

I walked off, glancing back at Emily as I did. She looked so pretty today, and it just made my confused feelings flow even more.

I didn't want to leave her, I would have preferred to shop with her the whole time, but Victoria's Secret was not one of my favorite stores. I didn't enjoy shopping there, it gave me way too much anxiety that I didn't want to deal with at the time.

When I walked into Bed Bath and Beyond, I sighed blissfully. There were so many beautiful fragrances here, I loved it.

I pondered over which lotion to get Hanna, I knew she would like most anything, but I still wanted it to be genuine.

"Do you need help finding anything?" A store clerk had come up to me.

"No I'm good, but thank you." I smiled politely, wishing she would just leave me alone.

"If you say so. Say, how's that new jewelry store? I've been dying to check it out, but my lunch break isn't for another thirty minutes." She groaned.

I was curious as to how she knew I had been there, but I realized I still had the bag with my gifts in it.

"Oh, it's wonderful. The owner is really nice." I replied.

"Cool, cool." She seemed lost in thought, and I wondered what she was supposed to be doing. She must be new also, because I come to this store with my mom often, and I'd never seen her here.

I turned around and was looking at the lotions again when she came and leaned against the shelf.

"So, I need your help. I'm going on a date next week, and I don't know what to wear. You seem pretty knowledgeable about fashion statements. Do I wear a red cocktail dress, or a more casual getup?" She looked to me with wide eyes, curious about what I had to say. Honestly, I just wanted her to leave me be and do her job, but I didn't want to be rude.

"I would wear something more casual if it's your first date with him, but if you've been seeing each other for a while, and the location is appropriate, I'd wear the dress. Spice things up." I replied politely.

"Okay…okay I see. Thanks a lot!" She patted me on the back, and I jumped a little at the sudden contact. She was being pretty rude.

"Say, since you helped me, let me help you." She smiled.

My mind jolted to conclusions, and anxiety filled my body.

"Huh?" I asked. "What do you mean?"

"Here, I'll give you some fashion advice of my own." She leaned forward and grabbed my hands. I felt my body tense up, and I felt vulnerable to the rude clerk.

"If you roll your sleeves up like this, then you look conserved, but flirty at the same time." She pressed the fabric up, and my eyes widened as the red marks on my arms were revealed.

"Oh." The girl looked from my arm to my eyes. "Well I can see why you kept your sleeves down. Those are pretty ugly." She rolled my sleeves back down, oblivious to the fact that what she had both said and done hurt my feelings.

"You really should stop doing stuff like that. It's pretty stupid, I mean, why add ugly lines to your body? Seriously, you need to get some help. Why ruin your body when you haven't even reached your prime?" She smiled at me, but I could tell her opinion of me had changed completely.

"Uh…thanks again for the advice." She replied, looking at the floor for a second before walking off quickly.

I felt the anxiety leave my body in an instant, but it was replaced with pain and sorrow.

_Was what I did really that terrible? Are they that ugly? Maybe I should have kept the bandage Emily gave me on…_

I was lost in thought, and didn't hear when someone approached me.

"Hey, I'm sorry for what Abby said to you. She was supposed to be working, and I couldn't help but overhear the nasty things she said."

I looked up at the teen standing next to me. Her name was Tessa, and I'd seen her many times before when my mom and I came to shop. Her jet black hair was tied back in a ponytail, and dark makeup lined her face.

"Oh, hey Tessa." I smiled at her. Being such frequent customers, my mom and I had gotten to know the young gothic girl.

"It's okay, I brushed it off." I explained, although Abby's words still haunted me.

"Yeah, well she's probably going to be fired soon. It's only her first week here, but this isn't the first time she's been unfriendly and rude to customers. I'm just sad it had to be you, I love seeing you here." Tessa smiled sadly.

I laughed heartily. "Oh don't worry, one bad clerk isn't going to keep me from coming here!"

Tessa laughed, but then her eyes darkened. She stepped closer to me, and glanced around to make sure no one was around.

"Hey, I have something to show you." She looked me in the eye. I nodded, letting her know it was okay.

Tessa carefully rolled her sleeves up and turned over her wrist. Pale scars lined her arms. They weren't recent, but they hadn't been old enough to fade either.

"I understand where you're coming from." She explained. "I've been where you are, I know what it feels like. I promise, you can get better. Sure it's hard as hell, and may seem impossible, but I know you can do it." She smiled at me.

"Thanks.." I droned off. I was touched by the girl's compassion.

"I will give you one piece of advice though, if you'll have it." She said.

"Sure!" I was willing to except any advice she could give me.

"I know that you may want to go to your friends for help, and you think that they'll always be there to help you. However, I wanted to let you know that's not true. At least it wasn't for me. I know counselors aren't fun, but they don't…rush you. You know?" She asked me.

I nodded, though slightly confused at what she was getting at.

"I know it sounds weird, but when I used to…cut… I let my friends be my sole source for help. It started out great, but then they got frustrated when I didn't heal in a week. They just expected me to put the razors down and stop. They didn't…understand, and therefore just made things worse. I don't want to discourage you, I just wanted to warn you. Sometimes, friends don't understand." She looked at the ground sadly.

I placed my hand on her shoulder. "Thank you Tessa. I will take those words to heart, and I am so sorry for what you must have gone through." I replied sympathetically.

Tessa smiled up at me. "Thanks Spencer! Sorry for being so serious, I just didn't want to lose my favorite customers!" She laughed, and I smiled at her.

I spent the rest of my time in that store talking to Tessa, and getting her opinions on different lotions for Hanna and Aria. By the time I was done, I had spent about half an hour in the store, and needed to go meet Emily at the food court. I thanked Tessa for her time, and walked over to where Emily was sitting. I felt bad that I was a little later than intended, but I knew if I explained it to Emily she would understand.

"Spencer! Hey!" Emily smiled as I sat down, obviously relieved I hadn't ditched her. I immediately felt worse.

"Hey, sorry I'm late, I was talking to Tessa." I explained.

"Who…who's Tessa?" Emily asked, a hint of venom in her voice.

"Oh, she works at Bed Bath and Beyond. I see her all the time when I go shopping there with my mom. I was just catching up." I smiled, but Emily still seemed slightly hostile.

"Okay, well I ordered us Chinese food from the local vendor if that's okay.." Emily explained.

"Oh, that's fine."

In all honesty, I didn't really want to eat anything. Just talking to Tessa, and Abby made me start to think. I was glad I had such great friends who cared about me, but was she right? Did my friends really understand?

Would they _ever _understand?


	17. Emotional Rollercoasters

**CHAPTER 17: Emotional Rollercoasters**

_EMILY'S POV:_

I couldn't help but get upset when I heard Spencer talking about Tessa. I know I shouldn't be mad, I guess I was just so protective of Spencer, I didn't want people I don't know saying the wrong thing.

_Or you're just jealous…_

I sighed. Perhaps I was just jealous that Spencer had talked to Tessa instead of me. I know it's stupid, and selfish, but I thought bringing Spencer here would allow me some time with _just _her. Not with Tessa. Even though Spencer only talked to Tessa for about ten minutes.

I glanced over at Spencer, who seemed lost in thought. She hadn't touched most of her food, and I wondered why.

"Spencer? Are you alright?" I asked. She snapped back and glanced over at me. Her body tensed up a little bit, and I couldn't help but be a little upset. I was her friend, she could trust me.

"Yeah yeah, I'm fine." She smiled, but I could sense that it was just covering up what she really felt.

"Are you sure? You haven't really eaten anything." I pointed out. Spencer glanced down at her food before looking at me apologetically.

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm just not very hungry right now. I'm not sure why." She replied, and I could tell then that she wasn't lying, or trying to cover anything up.

"If you say so. I'm going to use the bathroom, do you need anything?" I asked. Spencer shook her head.

"Oh no, I'm fine. Go ahead." She waved as I walked off to the nearest restroom. As soon as I stepped inside, my heart seemed to stop.

"Hello Emily."

Paige was standing in front of the mirror, and her eyes were red, like she'd been crying.

"Paige! Are you okay? What's wrong?" I placed my hand on her shoulder but she swatted it away like it was a wasp.

"Cut the crap Emily. You know what's wrong." She snapped at me.

I gulped nervously. I had an idea of what she was talking about, but I didn't know for sure.

"Is this because I wasn't able to hang out with you today?" I asked carefully.

Paige frowned. "No."

I sighed frustrated. "Then what's wrong?"

Paige glared at me. "You chose her over me." She replied softly. I felt my palms get sweaty. I was right about what was making her upset. However, I wish I wasn't.

"I didn't choose her." I started. "I had already made plans with her and I didn't want to disappoint her. It's not fair to suddenly back out on plans because I want to be with someone else instead." I defended myself, and Spencer.

Paige laughed coldly. "No no, you _wanted _to be with her didn't you. You'd rather hang with her than me. I know it."

I looked down at the ground and didn't reply. I didn't want to lie to Paige, but I didn't want to tell her the truth either.

"No, see when you texted me, you said you were with friends. So I thought I'd get some shopping done since you weren't going to be hanging out with me." Paige explained. I knew where this was going, but didn't have the nerve to stop her. "Instead, I get to the mall and see you walking around with _her." _She spits the word like venom.

"Spencer _is _my friend!" I snapped. "Are you seriously jealous of her? She's my best friend! Okay, so maybe I didn't specify who exactly I'd be hanging out with, but it shouldn't matter! You _know _Spencer! You _know _who she is to me. Don't be so blind! I love you!" I cried.

Paige frowned and shook her head.

"Emily, don't lie to me. I know you may think you love me, but I've seen the way you look at her. I'm not blind, nor a fool. And you know it too don't you? You love her, am I right?" Paige looked up at me, her eyes dark and sad.

I sighed and looked at the floor, refusing to answer.

Paige gulped, and I could tell she was trying to hold back tears.

"That's what I thought." She choked.

"Paige-"

"Don't. Please." She begged. She walked up to me, and gently grabbed my chin with her hand. Leaning forward, she planted a kiss on my lips. But this time, it was different. It wasn't happy, and full of energy. It was full of grief, and a love that was breaking.

"I hope you find what you're looking for." She cried, before pushing past me and out the door.

I felt tears fall from my eyes, and I couldn't help but feel horrible. I _did _love Spencer, but I loved Paige too. Or at least I thought I did. Closing my eyes, I thought about things. I knew that Paige and I weren't going to last forever, especially with Spencer unintentionally interfering with my feelings.

However, I didn't think things were going to end like this…

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I waited patiently for Emily to return from the bathroom. After ten minutes though, I started to get worried. What had happened to her?

Suddenly my mind took over and I froze.

_Did she leave me here because she's mad I haven't healed yet?_

_Was Tessa right?_

_What am I going to do?_

I felt my breath come in short gasps, and I closed my eyes to avoid getting dizzy. I knew I was hyperventilating over something that was most likely untrue, but I didn't seem to be able to do anything about it. After about another five minutes I finally got myself to calm down. However, Emily still hadn't returned, and so I got up to go check on her.

As I walked into the bathroom, I knew only one thing; no one else was there. I sighed, relieved that if anything went wrong I wouldn't feel judged.

I walked over to the one stall that was closed, and could hear sniffling from the other side. My reflexes perked up, and I knew that Emily was inside, hurting.

I grabbed my bag and pulled out a pair of bobby pins. Using my smart Hastings genes, I picked the stall lock and slid the door open carefully. Emily was crouched on the floor, crying softly. I immediately closed the door behind me and kneeled behind her, wrapping her in my arms.

"Spencer?" She croaked.

"I'm here for you Emily, it's okay." I sighed softly. Emily relaxed into my grasp, and for that moment, everything was fine.

"I'm sorry, I meant to come straight out but-"

I shushed her. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." I replied calmly, for once.

"Paige was here." She muttered.

"Oh?" I didn't know what Paige had done, I thought the two were on good terms with each other, but I guess I could have been wrong.

"She broke up with me."

"Oh." I exhaled. "Em, you are a strong and beautiful girl. If Paige couldn't see that, then she must have been as blind as me without my contacts." I tried to lighten the situation. Luckily it worked, and I was rewarded with a soft chuckle from Emily.

"You are pretty blind without those." She agreed.

I laughed, and gave her a squeeze. "Do you want to just go home? I don't mind, I have everything I need. Besides, I don't think these floors are the most sanitary."

Emily nodded. "That sounds great. Maybe we can watch a movie or something at my house. I can invite Aria and Hanna over too." She smiled, and I was relieved that she wasn't as sad anymore. However, I was also worried. Did people get over things like this that quickly?

We got up and drove home. Emily let me run by my house and change into pajamas so I'd be more comfortable while we watched the movie. She asked my mom if I could spend the night, but my mom said she wanted to talk with me. That made me worried, but my mom assured me it was just to go over Christmas plans.

Hanna unfortunately couldn't make it to the gathering, she had chores that she put off, and her mom was making her stay home and get them done. However, we picked up Aria on the way back to Emily's house.

"So Spence, how've you been?" Aria asked as we laid on Emily's bed, getting ready to start the film.

"Better. Not 100%, but better." I replied. I left out the fact that I had already hyperventilated at the mall, and relapsed before that. They didn't need to know that.

"That's great, I'm glad to hear it." She looked sympathetically at me before glancing over at Emily, who was getting frustrated with the DVD player.

"Em, do you need help?" I asked. She grunted, and I took that as a sign to get up and figure it out. I knelt in front of the TV and she got up and retreated to the bed. I messed with some of the cables while Aria talked to Emily for a bit.

_EMILY'S POV:_

I was irritated that the DVD player wasn't working, but I was also irritated at Paige. At how mad she had gotten at Spencer, when it wasn't Spencer's fault. I know it was pretty cruel of me to get over the sadness that quickly, but considering my heart was already taken before we were broken up, I guess I've had time to manage.

However, fooling Aria wasn't on the agenda. She knew as soon as I started getting frustrated that something was wrong. Usually I was very laid back, but my anger had gotten the best of me.

"Em, are you okay?" She asked. "You don't normally get so frustrated. You're as bad as Hanna tonight." She joked, but was still serious.

"Yeah I'm fine, just had some issues today." I replied.

"Oh? That's too bad. I'm sorry." She responded sympathetically, like usual.

"It's okay, it's not your fault, it's Paige's." I snapped. Not at her, but at the topic in general. She knew I wasn't mad at her, and took no offense to my tone of voice.

"Oh. I see. Did you get in a fight?" She asked.

"Yeah. She broke up with me." I felt a tinge of sadness creep back in me, but I was determined to keep it down. Why should I be sad? I've got more of a chance than ever of getting with Spencer now that I was single.

I slapped myself on the head.

How could I be so cruel to Paige? I had been dating her for a long time, and she cared so much about me, yet here I was already plotting my next relationship. I felt horrible.

"Em? Are you here?" Aria asked.

"Yeah yeah, sorry. I was thinking that's all." I responded.

"I see. Well, I don't understand why Paige would break up with you, you're one of the prettiest, nicest girls in this town. It's too bad she didn't realize that." Aria stated firmly. I nodded, but it didn't cheer me up as much as when Spencer said something similar earlier.

"I know. It's just rough." I replied. Aria nodded, and patted me on the shoulder supportively.

"Well, I'm here for you. I know Hanna is too. And Spencer-"

"I'm here for you. Or I will be here for you as soon as I get this cord plugged in." Spencer chimed in from over by the TV. I glanced over and couldn't help but laugh a little. Spencer was sprawled out on the floor, her head under the TV set, attempting to reach the outlet.

"Spencer what on earth are you doing?" Aria asked.

"I'm….trying….to get this….damned cord plugged in…" Spencer huffed.

"Do you want me to get it? I have smaller arms?" Aria questioned. Spencer grunted a no in response, and continued her crazy attempts. After about five more minutes of grunting, with the occasional cuss word thrown in, Spencer got the DVD to turn on.

"Hey! You did it!" I cheered.

Spencer pushed herself back from under the TV.

"Well I'm a Hastings, of course I did it." She said in a sarcastic tone.

I smiled, and Aria burst out laughing.

"Spence you are so weird sometimes." Aria giggled.

"But you love me anyways." Spencer hopped onto the bed, and joined us as we watched the rest of the movie.


	18. Curious Confessions

**CHAPTER 18: Curious Confessions **

_ARIA'S POV:_

I laughed at the movie playing. Emily chuckled along also, but Spencer didn't seem to be as into it. After the movie finished, I leaned back on Emily's bed and sighed.

"Do you think we'll ever find out who A is?" I asked, not really expecting an answer. The topic popped in my head randomly, and I felt like sharing to see if anyone else had an opinion.

"I hope so. I hate knowing that someone is out there to get us, and hurt us, but not know who it is doing so." Emily muttered. I nodded along to her, agreeing.

"Spencer? Do you have an opinion?" I asked, curious.

Spencer's head was down, and she was looking at the floor, staring off. Her eyes were dark and sad.

"Not really. I guess we'll just find out when the time is right." She replied, not bothering to lift her eyes from the carpet.

I glanced at Emily and threw her a look, but she shrugged. Neither of us understood what Spencer was going through at the time, and we didn't know what was wrong.

I was about to ask Spencer something when the door to Emily's bedroom flung open.

"Did ya miss me?!" Hanna shrieked. Emily jumped, startled, but smiled.

"Hanna! How'd you get here? How'd you get in my house?" Emily pondered.

"Your mom let me in. And I finished my chores so I was free to come over. If you'll have me." Hanna joked.

"No no, come sit. It hasn't been the same without you." I laughed. Even Spencer had looked up, and a grin was on her face.

"It's good to see you Hanna." She chuckled.

I sighed, relieved that Spencer was back to her normal self. For a while she had me worried, I didn't know why she wasn't looking at us. But now her rich colored eyes darted about the room, analyzing everything and everyone like normal.

"Soooo, what have I missed?" Hanna questioned as she flung herself onto Emily's bed, nearly crushing Emily.

"Not much. We watched a movie, and were just talking." Spencer replied.

"Talking? About what?" Hanna continued, eager to get caught up in the conversation.

"About A. If we think we'll ever find who it is." I explained.

Hanna's mouth formed a giant _O _and she sighed.

"I don't think we'll ever figure it out." Hanna stated. "I think A's too smart, or too many people. Even if we figure out that someone's A, there's bound to be more A's out there. This couldn't possibly be the work of one person. It's like a team. The A Team. Ya know?" Hanna thought out loud.

"That makes sense I guess." Emily realized.

I glanced over at Spencer, whose head was hung once more. She looked almost like she was about to either scream, or cry, and I didn't want her to do either.

"Spencer are you okay?" I asked.

Emily looked over at Spencer and her face fell. She scooted closer to her and wrapped her arms around the brunette's body.

"There's something I need to tell you." She muttered.

"You can tell us anything Spence." Hanna confirmed. Spencer took a deep breath before continuing.

"I know who's on the A team." She said after a while.

"WHAT?!" Hanna shrieked. "Why didn't you tell us?!"

I shot Hanna a menacing glare, and she shut up.

"Sorry Spencer, I'm sure you had your reasons." She muttered quietly.

Spencer let out the breath she had been holding and her whole body shook. She was quiet for a while, leaving us in suspense.

"Who is it Spencer?" Emily asked softly.

"It's...Toby…" Spencer's voice cracked, and I could tell she was on the verge of tears.

"Toby?!" Emily gasped, and I felt my heart almost stop.

"You've got to be kidding, why would he do something like that?" I asked.

"I'm not kidding. When I went back to my house to get some things for our anniversary dinner, A, or someone I thought was A was standing in my kitchen. However, earlier I found a badge for Radley Sanitarium in Toby's apartment. It had his picture, but a different name. That's when I grew suspicious. I also found a key. I took the items and went home, that's when I found...A. When the figure turned around, it…..was Toby...I've never seen him look so menacing...I didn't know what to do…" Spencer choked. Emily rubbed her back quietly, letting her know we were here for her.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys earlier. I just….it was hard." She muttered.

"Oh Spence, it's okay. We get it. I'm so sorry you had to keep that to yourself for so long. It must have been hard." I reassured her.

"Yeah." She mumbled.

"You know, we are here for you. You don't have to be brave for us Spencer. You can cry if you want to." Hanna reminded her.

"Oh no, I've already cried over him so much, I don't think I have any tears left. Besides, I don't love him anymore. Not after what he's done." Spencer stated, confident with what she was saying.

"Okay. I get that." Emily smiled sympathetically.

"Yeah. Hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom?" Spencer asked. Emily nodded, but was hesitant.

"Thanks." Spencer got up and walked over to Emily's bathroom.

"She's not...you know.." Hanna mentioned, but Emily shook her head violently.

"No, she wouldn't. She promised us. Besides, we're all here, it would be pretty stupid of her." Emily responded. Hanna nodded.

"Makes sense. Is she okay though?" She asked.

"I have no idea. I think she's better. And I'm sure after tonight she'll be even better than before, now that that weight is off her shoulders." I added.

Spencer returned, looking a little better. I glanced at her arms quickly, but she was wearing sleeves so I couldn't tell.

"You okay?" Hanna asked, unsure of what else to say.

"Yeah, much better. Thank you." Spencer smiled, and I felt relieved, but was still worried slightly.

"I'm glad." Hanna grinned, and laid her head on Emily's pillows.

We spent the rest of the night discussing family, and events in our lives. We played a few board games, and eventually ended up watching another movie. However, halfway through Spencer and Hanna passed out, and were sleeping soundly. After that Emily and I ended up shutting the movie off.

"Oh shoot, I should call Mrs. Hastings. I don't want to move Spencer, but she had said something about picking her up." Emily realized.

She left the room and talked to Spencer's mom. I yawned and stretched my arms. I was getting tired too, and should head to bed soon.

"Spencer's mom said she can stay the night. She understood, and didn't mind." Emily said as she walked back into her room.

"Oh cool, that's good." I replied. I glanced over at Spencer, and then back at Emily.

"Oh my god, you like her don't you?" I asked, as I noticed Emily look at Spencer lovingly.

"What?! No, of course not!" Emily snapped, defensive, her cheeks reddening.

I grinned coyly. "Yeah right. I saw the way you just looked at her. You loooooooveee her!" I teased, while still being serious.

Emily sighed, defeated. "I don't know. I really do think I love her...that's why Paige broke up with me. She thought I was in love with Spencer, and was irritated that I didn't feel the same way about her." Emily explained.

I nodded. "I understand. But really? You like her?" I asked again.

Emily nodded sheepishly. "I've tried to deny it for so long, but I don't think I can." She blushed.

"Well, are you going to tell her?" I questioned. Emily's eyes went wide.

"Oh gosh no! No. Now isn't a good time anyways. She _just _got over what happened to Toby. She's never going to consider another relationship this soon. Besides, I don't think she likes me. She's into guys. And we're friends, it just wouldn't work out." Emily sighed. I rolled my eyes at her.

"Oh come on gloomy goose. You never know, you might have more of a chance than you realize!" I pointed out.

"What do you mean?" Emily was confused.

"I've seen the way you look at Spencer, but I've also seen how she looks at you. I think she feels the same Em. Besides, you're such good friends, if you confess it too her, even if she doesn't feel the same way she'll still treat you the same. You know that." I reassured her.

"I guess so. You really think she likes me?" Emily asked, unable to hide the hope in her expression. I laughed.

"I'm almost 100% positive. I think it's cute. You guys would be team...Spemily." I giggled. Emily rolled her eyes.

"If you say that in front of her I swear…" She threatened as she rolled over and laid down on the bed. However, I could tell she was amused.

I laughed. "Well I'm going to turn in for the night, I'm exhausted. Good night Emily, sweet dreams." I said as I laid back on Emily's bed. It was crowded, but comfy.

"Goodnight Aria. Thanks for everything." I heard Emily reply.

I laughed. "Anytime Em, anytime."


	19. The Girl Who Lied

**CHAPTER 19: The Girl Who Lied**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I woke up in the middle of the night, panicking. I had forgotten to call my mom.

I reached into my purse and pulled out my phone. I had two missed text messages.

_Hey honey, I know we were going to talk about Christmas plans tonight, but Emily called telling me you had fallen asleep. I understand you needing time with your friends, so I'm just going to pick you up in the morning. I love you! Have fun!_

_-Mom_

I smiled and my heart stopped beating at the speed of light. My mom might not be the best parent in the world, but she was pretty close. I sighed and pulled open the other text message, however, I was no longer relieved.

_Enjoy being with friends. Once they realize you broke your promise, they won't stay._

_-A_

I blinked back tears, and quickly shut my phone off. How did A know I had broken that promise? I glanced around, paranoid that A was somewhere, watching my every move. I tried to control my breathing, but nothing was helping. Eventually, worried that I'd wake my friends, I retreated to the bathroom. There, I sat on the floor and curled up into a ball in the corner, trying to keep myself from cutting again. The urges were almost unbearable, but I tried and tried.

I heard the bathroom door open, but was too worked up to see who it was.

"Spencer?"

_HANNA'S POV:_

I woke up really needing to pee. I had drunk two cans of soda while over here, and my bladder was paying for it. However, my bathroom needs would have to wait, for I saw the light was on.

I stood outside for a while, before growing impatient. _I don't care who's in there, I need to go._

I opened the door and was not expecting what I saw. Spencer was curled up in a ball on the floor. Her body was shaking, and I could tell she was having a hard time dealing with whatever it was she was dealing with. I carefully closed the door behind me and sat down next to Spencer.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I asked, thinking that talking things through might help her.

However, she didn't respond, and remained where she was sitting. I sighed, and scooted closer to her, placing my hand on her back. She flinched, but didn't move.

"Spencer, I don't know what's wrong, and I have no idea what you're going through. I wish I did, and I could help you. But I don't have any idea." I confessed. I didn't really know how I could help her, so I just said what was on my mind. I hoped that giving her something to think about might keep her from doing something wrong.

"However, I promise that I'm here for you. I mean, I know you've probably heard that crap at least ten times, but I thought I'd say it again. Sometimes it's nice to be reminded of things sometimes." I continued. I didn't really know where I was going with this.

"I know I don't show it very well, I'm pretty open about my opinion, and kind of klutzy. But I really do care about you, and Emily, and Aria. I just have a different way of showing it, you know?" I glanced over at her. She had stopped shaking, but was still refusing to look at me.

I sighed. "Spencer…would you please look at me?" I asked.

I could hear a huge sigh escape her body, and she turned so that her bright eyes faced me. I smiled.

"God that's so much better. Now I don't feel like I'm talking to a statue." I joked. Spencer chuckled lightly, and I was overjoyed with the progress I had made.

"What's wrong Spencer?" I asked again, determined to find out. "I can't help you unless you tell me."

She was silent for a minute before responding.

"I just..got a text from A." Spencer sighed. "That's all. I don't know why I let it bother me so much." She admitted.

"That bitch!" I snapped. Spencer's eyes went wide at my sudden outburst.

"I can't believe that after everything you've already gone through, that A is still bothering you. That's sick." I muttered. Spencer nodded.

"I agree."

"Well, I promise you won't have to deal with her alone. I'm here." I smiled. Spencer smiled back at me, and I could tell it was a real smile.

"So, what did the queen of irritation have to say this time?" I asked.

Spencer's smile fell, and she glanced at the ground.

"Oh! You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I quickly added. I hadn't meant to intrude, I was just curious.

"Thank you Hanna." Spencer smiled, obviously relieved that she didn't have to share.

"No problem. I'm always here to help." I glanced down at her, and then at my watch.

"It's pretty late, do you want to go back to bed?" I asked.

Spencer nodded before breaking into yawn. She smiled sheepishly afterwards. "That sounds lovely."

"Are you okay though?" I checked, just to make sure.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just…I really wanted to-"

"I get it." I nodded, cutting her off. It's not that I didn't want to let her explain, I just felt that talking about that was a sore subject for her, and might bring up some bad energy.

"Thank you Hanna, for being there." She walked over and gave me a hug lightly.

"Oh come on Hastings, I know you're stronger than that." I joked, and gave her a bear hug in return. She laughed, and started to walk out the door.

"Are you coming Hanna?" She asked.

I blushed slightly. "Nah, I'll be there in a minute. You see, I've had to pee since I opened that door, so that's what I'm going to do. If you don't mind me." I smiled and closed the door. I could hear Spencer chuckling from outside, and was glad that I'd helped her feel better. I hadn't really done much, just said what I was thinking about. I figured she'd already had enough of that mushy stuff, and didn't really want me going into an emotional speech.

Once I was done, I walked over to the bed and laid back down. Spencer was sleeping silently next to me, and I was amazed at how fast she could fall asleep. Before I could drift off, my phone buzzed. I groaned, thinking it was my mom, ready to nag me about some chore I had forgotten.

_Helping a friend? That's so sweet. Too bad she lied to you._

_-A_

I rolled my eyes. Spencer would never lie to me, she was my friend.

I sighed when my phone buzzed again. I opened it up, and felt my heart sink.

_And I thought she had promised._

_-A_

Attached was a photo. I quickly shut my phone and glanced over at Spencer.

_How could she do this to us?_


	20. Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down

**Hey guys, just to let you know, this is a longer chapter because it deals with a lot of dialogue I couldn't split into multiple chapters. However, if you bear through the mass of writing and get to the end of the chapter, I promise you won't regret it. There's a lot of drama in this section, and a lot of serious matter discussed. If you have a problem with the way it is handled, don't worry, so do I. However, I understand that some people handle subjects like this in matters similar, so I am not exaggerating or creating false attitudes. I am also not trying to encourage behaving and reacting like this in any way. It is wrong to behave as some characters do in the writing below, but it is imperative that I address all forms of the healing process from despair, to anger, and lastly, to forgiveness (sometimes). **

**Also, if you've read and reviewed, thank you so much! I really couldn't do this without you, you are my motivation to continue with my writing, and my motivation to proceed to attempt to better myself. Thanks again, continue with the good work you've been doing, and I'll continue to grant you more chapters until the story comes to its natural closing.**

**Lastly, review if you have the time, or so wish. I love to hear your opinions, I _do_ look at every single comment and take into consideration. However, my main goal in writing these fanfictions is to express myself though writing, and encourage people to continue writing and reading. So sit back, and enjoy this next chapter. **

_**Keep Writing**_

**-Reyna**

**CHAPTER 20: Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down**

_ARIA'S POV:_

I woke up early out of habit, and glanced around drowsily. However I wasn't expecting what I saw when my eyes opened.

Hanna was sitting across the room. Her eyes looked droopy, but she wasn't sleeping. Instead, she appeared anxious, and uneasy.

_It's unlike her to be up so early…_

I quietly slid out of bed and walked over to the sitting blonde.

"Hanna?" I asked carefully. "What's wrong?"

She moved slowly, obviously tired, and looked up at me. Her eyes were filled with sadness and disbelief.

"Hanna?" I repeated, for she hadn't replied.

She motioned for me to sit next to her on the ground. I agreed, and sat next to her.

"Aria, I'm worried." She said after a while of silence.

"About what?"

"About Spencer." She responded. I sighed.

"I get it, I'm worried too. But you've seen her, and how much better she is already. She'll get there, we just have to have to have faith in her." I explained. Hanna rolled her eyes and sighed.

"What? Do you disagree?" I wasn't sure why she reacted the way she did but I was hoping to find out.

"Aria, I may have found something that challenges your beliefs in our friend." Hanna replied, rather coldly.

"What do you mean? Did…A send you something?" I asked, figuring if anyone was able to do anything to upset Hanna this much, it would be A.

"Yes." She frowned. "I don't know what to think about it, but…I'm worried." She explained.

"What did A send you?" I wondered out loud. Hanna leaned over and handed me her phone.

I glanced down and saw the message A had sent.

_And I thought she had promised._

_-A__  
><em>  
>Below it was a picture of Spencer getting dressed. I wasn't bothered by it; we were friends and had seen each other get dressed many times before.<p>

However, what bothered me instead was what was on her. Rough red lines covered her upper thighs. I felt sick to my stomach. Not only had Spencer apparently hurt herself in places other than what we knew, but the photo's date was from recently, meaning that she had broken her promise when she insisted she would stop.

"I-I don't know what to say…" I choked, my worries flooding my thoughts again.

"Me either. That's why I showed you." Hanna mumbled.

"Why would she do this? She knows what it did before, why would she continue?" I asked, not really expecting an answer.

"I have no idea." Hanna pondered.

"Do…do you think we should tell Emily?" She questioned.

"Of course!" I practically screeched. "She needs to know, this is too important to let slide."

Hanna opened her mouth, but paused.

"What?" I demanded, questioning the tired blonde.

Hanna sighed. "I guess I'm just worried about how Emily will react. She…well I think she has feelings for Spencer, and I don't want to worry her. She'll be the most affected by this, and you know it." Hanna pointed out.

I groaned. I hadn't even thought about that. However, I found it amusing that Hanna had seen the chemistry between our two friends as well.

"You do have a point, I've seen the feelings too. Maybe we should leave Emily out of this for now until we talk to Spencer first." I decided.

"Leave me out of what?"

Emily had apparently woken up, and now slid out of bed to join us. She knelt beside us on the floor, and Hanna glanced at me, unsure what to do or say.

"What aren't you telling me? Is it about Spencer? If it is, I demand to know." Emily confirmed, assertively.

She looked over at Hanna, who wasn't making eye contact.

"Hanna? What aren't you telling me?" She questioned. Hanna shrugged and looked up at the ceiling.

"Aria?" She turned to me, her eyes pleading to know what we found out.

I sighed. "Hanna, show Emily your phone." I insisted. Hanna willingly handed it over, realizing that Emily really did have the right to know. Emily sighed and grabbed the device from Hanna's palm. She turned it on, and her hand flew to her mouth.

"Is this real?" She asked, her eyes watering.

Hanna nodded slowly, taking her phone back from the shaken swimmer.

"I'm so sorry Emily, I know how much you love Spencer, and want to help, but she needs something more than we can give her." I explained sadly.

"No, no this can't be real. A… probably photo-shopped it to make her look bad. Spencer wouldn't do that, she promised." Emily stated, getting defensive of her friend.

"We don't know that for sure…" Hanna mentioned. Emily glared at her.

"Spencer's our friend. We can't blame her for doing things she might have never done." Emily snapped.

"Okay, we get it Em. Calm down. The only way we'll know for sure is if we ask Spencer herself." I stepped in, not wanting things to get out of hand.

"Fine." Emily groaned.

"Good morning." Spencer had coincidently woken up and now moved so that she sat with us. We had formed a little circle in the center of Emily's floor.

"Morning Spencer," Emily smiled, her eyes still flaming from the earlier conversation.

Spencer smiled softly and glanced around.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

I started to speak…but Emily butted in.

"Spencer we need you to do something for us." She explained.

Spencer tilted her head in confusion, but nodded.

"Okay…what do you need me to do?" She asked.

"Spencer…we mean nothing bad against you, but we really need you to roll up your sleeves." I asked politely. I figured we'd start with asking her to do that before we asked for anything else.

Spencer looked at us oddly. "Why do you need me to do that?"

_SPENCER'S POV:_

"Why do you need me to do that?" I asked, unsure of what was going on.

"We just want to check in on you, that's all." Hanna replied.

I sighed, and placed my hands on the edge of my sleeve. Making sure to be careful, I rolled both sides up and revealed the underside of my arms.

The previous marks had faded slightly, and were looking better than before.

"Okay, thank you." Hanna smiled.

"No problem?" I commented. "That was pretty random but I'm happy to oblige." I mentioned.

"Good." Emily stated. "Because now we need you to drop your pants."

_EMILY'S POV:_

I must admit, having to say that to Spencer was extremely embarrassing, and I'll probably look back on it in disgust, but it was beyond necessary if we were to find out the truth.

"You want me to what?!" She shrieked. "What is wrong with you?" She questioned, absolutely unsure of what's going on.

"Spencer, we just need you to oblige to this, please." Aria begged. "I know it sounds strange, but it's important."

"What's going on." Spencer snapped. She was growing agitated.

"Spencer please, just do it." Hanna pleaded. Spencer glared at her.

"Why?" She demanded.

I sighed. "We…received something from A that concerned us." I explained. Spencer's face fell.

"Are you serious?" She cried.

"Yes we are, so please just do what we asked. That's all." Hanna insisted.

Spencer's face fell, and she grew pale.

"I'm sorry to make you do this Spencer, and it's not that we don't trust you, we just want to make sure A wasn't setting you up." Aria explained. Spencer let out a shaky breath and stood up.

"If you insist…" She muttered.

Spencer placed a hand on her pant line, but paused.

"This is ridiculous." She insisted.

"Spencer please..." Hanna sighed.

Spencer gulped and gently ran her hands down her legs, dragging her fleece pants down with them until they were on the floor.

I felt my face heat up a little bit during the process, but other than that I waited patiently.

Spencer sighed once more, let go of the rim of her pants, and stood up straight.

I gasped. Angry red lines laced her thighs. They were still starting to scab, and most of them still looked raw, as well as decently deep.

"Spencer?" I felt her name leave my tongue in a desperate plea. "Why….why would you do this?" I asked.

"You promised you wouldn't!" Hanna cried. Aria stood up and walked over to Spencer to hug her but Spencer quickly pulled her pants back up and shied away.

"Spencer…" Aria mumbled softly, letting her know she meant no harm. However, Spencer's eyes were dark, and she backed away from all of us.

"I'm sorry." She muttered.

"Sorry doesn't cut it!" I shouted. Aria, Hanna, and Spencer immediately jumped at my sudden tone of voice, and looked at me with wide eyes. I know Aria was the one who broke last time, but I couldn't stand the fact that Spencer had gone behind our backs and done such a thing.

"Why didn't you call us when you needed us?" I cried. "We love you Spencer, but we gave you a chance and you blew it! We trusted you to do your best to get better!" I felt warm tears fall down my cheeks.

"I know." Spencer growled, more irritated than upset. Her change in attitude made me question her, and myself.

"Spencer, do you even understand what you've done?" I shrieked. Hanna walked over and put a hand on my shoulder to tell me to calm down, but I shrugged it off.

"Yes." Spencer replied softly. "I understand."

"Then why? Tell me, why would you do this? _Again_?!" I demanded.

Spencer looked down at her feet.

"You don't understand, but it's not something I can just _stop. _I wish it was that simple but it's not. It's addictive, it's what I've done to relieve stress for a long while now. I can't simply stop, and never do it again. Whenever I get anxious, I've tried to do other things, but sometimes the temptation is too strong." She explained.

"Oh…I get it. It's the same as if you're addicted to drugs, or alcohol. Stopping just isn't easy." Aria thought aloud.

"Yeah, exactly. I wish I could have stopped, and I should have told you guys, but I was ashamed that I broke my promise." Spencer sighed.

Aria walked over and hugged Spencer, Hanna following. But I remained where I was, still seething with the idea that she lied to me.

"Emily?" Aria glanced up at me, sympathy in her eyes.

"No! Spencer don't you get it? You aren't on drugs, and you _aren't _doing alcohol. This isn't the same thing as that!" I replied angrily, unable to see the possibility of this method being addictive.

"Why can't you just accept the fact that we love you and are here for you? Why couldn't you just call us _first_?!" I cried. I knew I should calm down and lower my voice, but my rage permitted me from doing so.

Spencer's eyes blazed with fury. She was no longer ashamed, but infuriated because I didn't seem to understand her dilemma.

"Look, I know you aren't going to fully understand this, but that doesn't mean you need to say things that aren't in the slightest bit helpful." She snapped. "It _is _an addiction, and it's not something I can always control. When I get worked up and anxious, my brain thinks for itself, and half the time I don't register what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I'm just numb Emily, numb to the pain, and numb to my emotions."

I rolled my eyes, irritated at her for making the problem seem huge. I understood that what she was doing was wrong, but it didn't need to be so dramatic. "Stop dramatizing the subject!" I groaned. "I know it's a problem, and is serious, but that doesn't mean you go behind our backs because it's 'addictive'."

Spencer sighed. "I know, I should've let you guys know what I was feeling, but it's hard! I'm not used to doing that, and I can't just pick up a new habit in less than a week. It's going to take time for me to get used to opening up to you guys." She argued.

"I understand that, but you didn't even seem to try!" I snapped. "How long has it been since you promised. Three days? You couldn't control yourself for three days? That's pathetic!" I admitted.

"I _did try_! My brain was just so clouded with anxiety and grief I couldn't think straight. You don't understand what that's like! It's not pathetic! Fighting the temptation is a daily battle that I don't have the energy for." Spencer cried.

"No, I do understand. I felt like I was going to drown when Maya died, but I didn't react like you and hurt myself! I spoke to my friends instead!" I recalled.

Spencer ran her fingers through her hair. "Emily, you don't get it! I'm not _you_! I am not to be expected to react the same way you did, to expect that of me is unfair! I'm just not used to opening up to people!" Spencer groaned, and I could tell she was frustrated with me.

Aria and Hanna were standing off to the side, unsure what to think.

"Well why don't you try?! Why don't you try opening up to us? What have you felt lately that you didn't tell us about?" I demanded, pressuring her into coming clean about what she really was thinking.

Spencer's eyes grew wide. "I can't do that! It doesn't feel right!" She cried.

"You aren't even trying Spencer." I rolled my eyes at her, clouded by my frustration and worries.

"Fine. You want to know what I really felt?" She snapped. "When I found out Toby was A, I wanted to die. I thought that he betrayed me because he hated me and my friends, and I didn't know what to do. I wondered why he did that, and what I could have possibly done wrong. I didn't understand why he chose to hurt me, and I figured that if he did, I must have been worthless to him. And in terms, that meant I was worthless to myself. When I cut for the first time, I didn't care if I lived to the next day, because I knew that he hated me, and if he did, then you guys probably did too, as well as my family. I know now that I was wrong, but that's what I felt." Spencer let out a long shaky breath. "Happy?"

I felt my legs grow weak at her confession, but I was still irritated. "Spencer, why couldn't you have just told us that the first time instead of resorting to such destructive methods?"

Spencer rolled her eyes, and marched up to me.

"I told you, I couldn't. At that period in time I thought that if the person I assumed loved me more than anything hated me, then my friends who also cared about me might hate me too and I just didn't realize. I know it was a stupid thing to think, but that's how it started." She snapped, inches away from my face.

"If you knew it was stupid than why did you even think that? Why would you ever just assume that we hate you? That's incredibly stupid!" I cried.

"I know it is! But at the time I couldn't think straight, and didn't realize it was stupid. I was in shock, and in grief." Spencer sighed.

"When I found out Maya was dead, I was in shock and grief too, but that doesn't mean that I handled it the way you did!" I felt the anger I had still flowing through my body, despite the earth shattering confession Spencer had made.

"Stop." Spencer glared at me with more fire than imaginable. At the moment, I was scared shitless by the brunette standing in front of me. "Stop assuming I'm going to act like you. You can't force me, or expect me to act like you would in a situation like that. I'm _not you. _I'll _never _be like you. We're two separate people! But if you really think you can tell me how to react to problems, then I don't want anything to do with you." She declared.

I felt my heart stop, as I processed what she said.

"Spencer…" Aria started, but Spencer was already at the door.

I came to my senses and walked after her but she glared at me.

"Leave me the fuck alone." She snapped. Tears had welled in her eyes, but she glanced at the ground. "Friends don't fight like this." She mumbled, before closing the door behind her.

I gasped, and took a step. I stood in shock until the front door closed, where I then fell to my knees, and burst into tears.

_What had just happened?_


	21. Cold Hands Warm Heart

**CHAPTER 21: Cold Hands, Warm Heart**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I ran out of Emily's house. I didn't know where I was going, but it wasn't towards home. I couldn't bear to face my family, who had most likely been contacted.

I eventually made my way up to the sign overlooking Rosewood. It was a beautiful sight, but my head was so full of anger and regrets that I couldn't enjoy it. I had said some horrible things to Emily, but she had done the same to me. I was shocked by her reaction, and it hurt me.

_She's never going to love you now…_

I cursed myself softly for thinking that. She'll still love me, she's my friend and I'm hers.

_What about what happened to Tessa…_

I groaned. Tessa was right, my friends _didn't _understand anything. Would this situation really be the same as hers? Would my friends ever want to hang out with me again? Or would I be like Tessa, and have to start all over with a new group of people?

I screamed into the silence and fell to the ground. My knees burnt from the sudden contact with the cold ground, but I ignored it. Instead, I buried my head into my arms and sobbed. My friends were probably so mad at me, I had lied to them and broken their trust. Would they ever love me again?

Grief once more surged through my chest, and I gasped for air. The pain was unbearable, but I couldn't do anything. I curled up into the dead leaves that floated around, and wept.

_EMILY'S POV:_

I sobbed, realizing what I had done. I didn't mean to speak my opinion so harshly, but my emotions had gotten the better of me.

"Emily…shhh…" Aria soothed. Hanna had left to look for Spencer, and I was thankful my mom was at work. I didn't want her to have to deal with this.

"I…I was so mean Aria…" I gasped, as I embraced her hug.

"It's okay. You made a mistake, not unlike the one I made when I first found out." She reassured me. "Spencer will be fine, you'll see. She'll forgive you."

"I don't think so Aria." I choked. "I saw the look in her eyes when she told me to fuck off. It…it was haunting." I broke into a fresh round of tears.

"Emily, Spencer is your best friend, and may be more one day. You have got to have faith in her, she will get through this, and she _will _forgive you."

I nodded. "I hope so Aria, because I don't know if I can live without her." I admitted. Aria chuckled.

"I know. She needs you just as much as you do. That's why she'll forgive you, and that's why you're so perfect for each other." She smiled. I sighed. Aria always knew what to say to make me feel better.

"Thanks Aria." I muttered.

"Don't worry about it Emily, I'm just glad you realized your mistake, and that it can be fixed." Aria grinned.

Suddenly Hanna burst through the door.

"Guys, Spencer's gone. I don't know where she went, I've driven all over town." Hanna remarked breathless.

I immediately jumped to my feet, followed by Aria.

"What about her house?" I asked.

"Checked there. Melissa hadn't seen her."

"Did you let Melissa know to contact us if she found her?" Aria asked.

"No, I didn't say anything except that I had something to give Spencer, but she said I had to try another time. I didn't want to worry her." Hanna explained.

I sighed nervously. "Where could she be?"

"Would she go to Toby's?" Aria asked.

"Are you kidding?" Hanna's eyes went wide.

"Yeah, Hanna's right. Spencer wouldn't have gone near Toby." I turned to Aria.

"That's true, but even so, he might know where she is. If she has a special spot, he'd be the one to know where that is." Aria assumed.

"That's true. Let's go over there and talk to him." I agreed.

"Really? But, he's on the A-Team…" Hanna shivered.

"It doesn't matter, what matters now is that we find Spencer before something bad happens, and if that means approaching the enemy then that's what we must do." I demanded. Hanna sighed, and grabbed her keys out of her pocket.

"Fine, let's go."

Aria got into Hanna's car with her, and I followed in my own. In case we had to split up, I wanted to be prepared.

I drove with tight hands around the steering wheel. Nervous energy surged through my body, and I could barely focus. I didn't want anything bad to happen to Spencer. I didn't want her to do anything bad to herself either.

When we got to Cavanaugh's house, we all approached it together. I was the one that got up the nerve to knock however.

"Yes?" Toby answered the door, and his face fell when he saw us. He was clearly still upset about what he had done, and I felt a little bit bad for him. Only a little.

"Toby we need to ask you something." Aria spoke up.

Toby sighed. "If you're going to ask me about what I did, then don't bother. Just ask Spencer." He started to close the door but Hanna shoved her foot in the way.

"No that's not it. We already know about that. We need to know if Spencer has any spots around Rosewood she likes to hang out at."

Toby scrunched his eyes together.

"Why would you ask me? I thought you guys knew, you're her friends." He pointed out.

"We know, but we think she has somewhere that we don't know about, somewhere that she might be at now." I explained.

Toby's eyes widened. "She's out alone in the cold right now?" He questioned.

"Yes, and we need to find her, but we can't do that without your help." Hanna insisted.

"Okay, I get it. I'll go grab my-"

"No." I stopped him. "I get that you want to help find her, but you're the last person she wants to see right now. She's already in a bad place, I don't want you to tip her over the edge. I don't mean anything against you, but can you please just tell us the places and let us find her?" I assured him.

Toby sighed and nodded. "That's a good point. Look, I don't know everything about her, but I do know that she likes hanging out by the Rosewood sign, and in the woods behind the park. She says they're two places where she can escape to and feel free." He explained.

"Thank you." I smiled briefly before running back to my car. "I'll drive up to the sign, you drive to the park. We'll keep in contact." I commanded. Aria and Hanna didn't disagree, and hopped into Hanna's car.

"Good luck!" Toby called from his door, and I smiled. He was a good kid, but had made a terrible mistake. I just hope someday he would get over the grief he must feel.

I drove toward the Rosewood sign as fast as I could, but was stopped by most of the lights.

_What luck… _I thought. As I waited at yet another stop light, I hoped that we'd make it on time.

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I couldn't feel the tips of my fingers. My whole body was racked with the cold air, and the numbness consuming my body. I desperately wanted to feel something, but had nothing on me to assist myself. I knew my friends were probably out looking for me, but I really hoped they wouldn't find me. I deserved to be out here, lying in the cold. I had lied to the people I loved the most.

And Emily, oh how I loved her. Yet I had said such horrible things, I didn't know if I would ever forgive myself, much less if she would forgive me.

I coughed lightly, pulling myself to my feet. I made it a few steps before my body failed on me, and I fell again. There, I lay in the cold, uncaring.

_I might die here…_ I figured. _I'll die of cold, and of a broken heart._

My body shook like waves from the chilly air. I didn't grab my coat on the way out, so all I had was my pajamas and they were anything but warm.

_I should die…I don't deserve to live after what I did to my friends. I hurt them so much._

My eyes grew blurry from the cold. I was slipping into the dark, and I knew it. Yet, I didn't do anything about it.

_Is death really so bad? There's no A…no hidden feelings…no more pain._

I shuddered, and closed my eyes, trying to stay conscious.

_Do I really want to die?_

_Do I really want to die?_

_Do I really want to die?_

My mind repeated the sentence over and over again, waiting for me to finally give an answer. I sighed, my body becoming stiff with weariness and cold.

_Yes._

My mind went blank, and I saw the world turn dark. I drifted off into unconsciousness, at ease with myself, and finally feeling peaceful.

_EMILY'S POV:_

I drove up the hill to the sign as fast as my car would allow me. I think I killed two rabbits on the way, but they were the least of my worries. Finally, I stopped the car at the top, and ran. I ran up the trail leading to the sign, ignoring my cold hands, and the achiness of my body.

Eventually I reached the top, and had to take a deep breath. However, that breath caught in my throat when I saw her. Spencer was lying on the ground, pale, and unconscious.

"SPENCER!" I shrieked, and ran over there as fast as I could. "Spencer Spencer Spencer…" I muttered as I knelt down next to her. Her eyes were closed, and her skin was cold to the touch.

"Spencer please, don't leave me I need you. Spencer I love you please..." I sobbed, tears falling freely from my arms. I raised Spencer's chest to my head, where I placed an ear over it. I sat still, waiting, hoping that my friend, and the one I loved was still alive.

"Spencer please don't do this, Spencer, you can't…" I cried. I waited a few seconds more, but the wind was too strong for me to hear anything. I got up and carried Spencer with me. She may have been tall, but was very light.

I cried the whole way down, but finally made it to my car. Luckily I had stupidly left it on, so it was still warm.

I folded the back seats over so that there was a large flat area of trunk to lay her down. There, I placed my ear to her chest once more.

The gentle thud of her heart sent me into a fit of tears, she was still alive, and still with me. I set my head on her chest, and wrapped her in my arms, crying.

After a few minutes, when I was certain that her body was already heating up, I carefully set her in the passenger seat.

I slid into the driver's seat, and started driving back towards Rosewood. I called Aria and Hanna first, insisting that we meet up at Spencer's house. She needed to be in her own bed by now.

Melissa let us in with no questions, and let me carry Spencer on my back to her bed. I pulled up a chair and sat by her, waiting for her to wake up. Melissa came back up with a cup of warm water, and coffee.

"Are you okay? Is she okay? What happened?" She questioned.

I explained the whole situation to her. She sat at the foot of Spencer's bed, listening the whole time. A few times she cried, but she mostly just sat and listened. Afterwards, she came over and hugged me. Tears were in her eyes.

"Thank you, thank you so much for helping her. I…I love her so much. It kills me to see her suffering, but I'm glad she has friends like you. Words cannot express how thankful I am." She cried.

"I get it. I love her too." I smiled softly. I was still in shock from seeing my friend almost dead.

"I know. It's too bad she doesn't know it." Melissa sighed. I felt my face heat up.

"I meant I love her as a friend." I lied.

"No, I've seen the way you look at her. You love her, and she loves you. She just doesn't know it." Melissa grinned.

I sighed. "How does everyone see it but her?" It was decently frustrating.

"I'm not sure, I guess that's just how love works. Also, she's had a hard time lately as you know, so she may have not been paying enough attention to the signals you gave her." Melissa explained.

"I guess so." I yawned, today's excitement had drained me of the little energy I had.

"Why don't you get some rest? I don't think Spencer will be getting up anytime soon." She looked sadly at her younger sister before turning back to me. "If anything changes, will you call me? If something's wrong, and I have to take her to the hospital, I'd rather do it sooner than later."

"Oh of course! I'll let you know right away." I assured the worried women.

"If you need anything I'll be downstairs. Do you want me to let Hanna and Aria in when they get here?"

I nodded. "That would be wonderful, thanks Melissa." I smiled. She left, and I couldn't help but grow amazed at how much she cared for Spencer. I remember back when her and Spencer couldn't go a day without arguing, and I was awestruck by their improvement.

I leaned back on the chair I was sitting in and closed my eyes, thankful that Spencer was okay, and hopeful she would forgive me when she woke up.


	22. How Do I Say I'm Sorry?

**CHAPTER 22: How Do I Say I'm Sorry?**

_ARIA'S POV:_

I jumped out of the car, and sprinted up to Spencer's house. Hanna followed after locking her car, and caught up to me.

Melissa opened the door for us, fresh tears on her face. I panicked, worried that something had happened but she insisted that Spencer was fine, and told us to head upstairs.

I followed Hanna upstairs and into Spencer's room. Emily had crashed on the chair next to Spencer's bed.

"Em?" Hanna walked over and shook her slightly.

"Huh? Yeah?" She jolted awake. "Oh, you're here." She sighed, relieved.

"Is she okay? Are you okay? What happened?" I started bombarding her with my questions.

"She's fine, she was up by the sign. I think the cold wiped her out because she was unconscious when I found her. I'm fine, thank you. A little stressed, but relieved that she's okay." Emily sniffed. "When I saw her…I thought I lost her…"

I walked over and placed my hands on Emily's shoulders.

"It'll be okay. She's here with us now, and isn't leaving anytime soon." I reassured her.

"Yeah, just out of curiosity, what happens if she doesn't wake up anytime soon?" Hanna questioned, glancing over at the sleeping girl.

"I guess we'll take her to the hospital then." Emily sighed. "I wanted to bring her home instead of to the hospital, because I was worried that if she woke up there in her….mental state…things might go wrong." She choked. "I guess it was stupid of me, I should have gone there first…"

"No no, I'm sure everything will be fine Emily. If anything she just passed out from lack of sleep. She didn't sleep much when she was at your house." Hanna mentioned.

"Really?" Emily looked shocked.

"Yeah. She was up in the middle of the night, and I talked to her for a while before she went to sleep, but I have no idea how long she'd been up." Hanna explained.

I walked over and rubbed Emily's back soothingly. This was a lot for her to take in, and she was probably having the toughest time dealing with it out of all of us. After all, she had a stronger emotional attachment to our friend.

"Well, I'm going to head downstairs and make sure Melissa is okay. This was probably a lot for her to handle. Hanna?" I questioned, thinking that leaving Emily and Spencer alone might do some good. Especially if Spencer wakes up.

"Oh, yeah sure that sounds like a good idea." Hanna quickly picked up on what I was hinting at, and followed me downstairs.

"If you need anything, you know where to find us." I reminded her. She nodded wearily, and I closed the door behind me.

_SPENCER'S POV:_

_I was running through darkness. My feet were bare, and I couldn't see anything. The ground was bitter cold, and my feet stung. I reeled over and gasped for air, my lungs burning. I don't know how long I had been running, but I was exhausted. _

_"Spencer?" I glanced up at the sound of my name. I wish I could forget that voice, but even though I couldn't see her, I knew who it was._

_"Allison?" I asked the darkness._

_"Spencer…what happened? When I left you were…you were stronger than this!" She proclaimed._

_"I know…I guess it was just time for me to crumble." I mumbled._

_"Spencer, don't say that. You're better than this, stronger than this." I couldn't see her, but I knew she was smiling._

_"Why are you being so nice to me?" I hesitated. _

_"I guess death has changed me." She laughed, and I knew she was joking, but my brain was so muddy I let it be an okay answer._

_"Where are we?" I asked her._

_"What do you mean? Don't you recognize this?" She sounded confused._

_"No, it's nothing but dark." I choked._

_"Oh Spencer, all you have to do is open your eyes." Allison probably rolled her eyes at that point._

_"Really?" I was unsure if she was telling the truth._

_"Just open your eyes Spencer…"_

_I sighed, and slowly let my eyes open to the light._

I blinked a few times, taking in my surroundings. I was in my room, and on my bed, but I had no idea how I got here. Last I remembered I was in the middle of the woods.

I glanced over at the sound of light breathing. Emily was passed out in the chair next to my bed, and I knew instantly that she was the one that found me. I sighed and carefully got out of my bed. My muscles were sore from the cold, and my head hurt like hell, but I walked over to her anyways. Kneeling down on the carpet, I gently placed my hand on hers.

"What?" Emily jerked awake, and I flinched back a little.

"Are you okay?" I asked, making sure she hadn't woken from a nightmare.

"Yeah yeah…I'm…fine…" Her eyebrows scrunched together as she realized who was in front of her.

"Spencer? What? When did you wake up? I should be the one asking you if you're okay!" She rambled, and got out of the chair. We moved to a sitting positon, so that we faced each other.

"I woke up a minute ago." I smiled softly.

"Okay, I'm glad." She leaned forward and hugged me tightly.

It caught me off guard, and I tensed up. She let go, and looked into my eyes worriedly before it clicked.

"I forgot. We didn't end on the best terms." Emily looked down at her feet. "I'm sorry, I just had to make sure…I had to know it was you." She smiled sadly.

"What do you mean?" I questioned, unsure of what she meant.

"Nothing. I was just relieved that you were here, alive. I thought…I had thought I lost you when I found you lying on the ground…" She choked.

I sighed and looked at my feet. I hadn't meant to cause her so much pain, I guess I hadn't thought she'd be so worried after where we'd left off.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have stormed out like that, or said those things to you. I never meant…I didn't mean any of those things I said…" I felt my eyes tear up and I coughed.

"I know you didn't mean it. I shouldn't have said things that made you react that way. It was cruel of me. I know I don't understand what you're going through...I was just so worried that I was losing you, I went paranoid." Emily sighed, as if a weight had been lifted.

"I get it. I shouldn't have done anything to make you worry. I shouldn't have lied to you, or to Aria and Hanna. It was cruel of me." I muttered.

"No, I realize why you lied. You were trying to protect us, and trying to get better on your own. I should have seen it and realized that you needed one of us, we were just so stupid and thought that you could handle most of it on your own." Emily laughed softly. "It was pretty dumb."

"No it wasn't, it's hard for you guys to attempt to understand something you most likely never will." I smiled reassuringly.

Emily sighed, and buried her head in her hands. "I just…I don't know how to help you." She choked.

"You being here for me is helpful, I promise. It's going to be hard, and most of the problems I _will _have to deal with on my own, but having your support is what gets me through days when I really want to give in to the temptation. Sometimes it's not enough, but I can't rely on just you. I need to stay strong on my part as well, and I wasn't." I admitted.

"I just wish I could do more…" Emily mumbled from beneath her hands.

"I know. But there's nothing you can do. I need to get through most of this on my own, but I will need you. If you're okay with that." I wanted to make sure I wasn't pressuring her into anything she didn't want to do.

"Oh honey, of course I want to help you." She cried.

"Good. Then we'll make it through this." I grabbed her hands gently, and moved then from her face so that she looked me in the eyes.

"Thank you Emily." I smiled. "Thank you for everything. I wouldn't be here if not for you." I wanted to make sure she knew that even if she felt like she was helpless, she was still keeping me here.

"It's no big deal Spencer." She laughed.

"Good, and I know it may not seem like I am at the moment, I'm here for you too. I'll always be here for you, I promise." I reassured her.

Emily seemed to be stuck in silence.

"Em?" I questioned. She wasn't responding, but looking at me strangely.

Within seconds, her lips were crashed against mine.


	23. Everyone Makes Mistakes

**CHAPTER 23: Everyone Makes Mistakes**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I froze. My body tensed up, and I felt the heat rise to my face. Emily was _kissing_ me. She was really _kissing me_. However, the moment was over as quickly as it began. Emily pulled away hastily, and looked at me, fear flooding her eyes.

"Oh my god Spencer I am so sorry!" She cried. "I don't know what I was thinking; obviously I wasn't if I did something like that." She rambled.

"You know what, I'll just go. I'm so sorry Spencer, I'm so sorry. God I'm so stupid!" She sobbed as she got up and ran out of my room.

Finally snapping back to my senses, I got up to run after her.

"Emily wait!" I cried, but I heard the front door slam close and knew she was already gone. Standing in my doorway, I sunk to my knees.

What had just happened?

ARIA'S POV:

I was talking to Hanna about the new situation with Spencer when Emily ran out the door crying. I glanced over at the blonde beside me, and we exchanged silent words.

"I'll go check on Spencer." I decided, and Hanna nodded.

"I guess I'll be outside." She sighed. Both of our friends needed us.

I walked upstairs to get to Spencer's room, only to find her kneeling in her doorway. She didn't acknowledge my presence, and remained staring off into space.

"Spencer?" I asked, kneeling beside her. "What's wrong? What happened? Why did Emily run off crying?" I questioned.

Spencer mumbled something inaudible.

"What?"

Spencer sighed and looked at me.

"She kissed me." She stated solemnly.

"Seriously?" I felt a huge smile creep onto my face before I remembered that Emily had run off crying.

"Wait, what happened to make her run off?" I wondered.

"I froze. I wasn't expecting her to do that, and I froze. She freaked out after realizing what she had done, and ran off crying and rambling apologies." Spencer explained wearily. She looked exhausted still.

"Oh." I muttered.

A few moments of silence went by before I broke the ice.

"So Spencer…do you like Emily as more than a friend?" I asked.

Spencer sighed. "No. I wish I did, but I don't." She coughed lightly and I reminded myself to keep an eye on that.

"What do you mean you wished you liked her? That makes no sense." I was getting confused.

"I wish I liked her, but it's not that simple." Spencer replied.

"Why isn't it that simple?" I questioned, curious as to what Spencer meant.

Spencer blushed a little before responding.

"Because I love her." She mumbled.

"Ohhhhhh…" I felt myself trail off. Spencer didn't like Emily, she loved her. This was more serious than I thought.

"I'm sorry, you probably didn't care to know that." Spencer rambled, starting to get uneasy.

"No no, it's fine! You can tell me anything, you know that. I know it's hard for you for now but you'll get used to it." I reassured the anxious girl.

"I hope so." Spencer smiled, and I was relieved I hadn't caused her more stress.

"So if you love Emily, then why didn't you kiss her back?" I wondered. Spencer blushed even more, but this time it was due to embarrassment.

"I was taken by surprise, and by the time I knew what was happening she was out the door. If she hadn't of left so quickly, perhaps things would have gone differently." Spencer pointed out.

"I see. That makes sense." I grabbed Spencer's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Well, I know for a fact that she loves you too. You guys will get through this, these are just the awkward stages. She may distance herself from you for now, but hopefully in time she'll forgive herself and you two can mend things. Right now she's probably feeling pretty guilty." I admitted.

"You're probably right." Spencer yawned.

"Why don't you go back to sleep before you catch anything. I'll be downstairs." I reminded her. Spencer nodded and got up to get more rest.

"Thank Aria, for everything. I'm sorry I had a hard time opening up to you before, and that I lied to you. I didn't mean to hurt you." Spencer said softly.

"I know. We understand." I smiled, and closed the door behind me.

_HANNA'S POV:_

I walked outside to see Emily getting into her car.

"Emily wait!" I called after her, but she didn't listen.

I ran up to the car door as she was about to pull away and grabbed the door.

"EMILY FIELDS I SAID WAIT." I commanded.

Emily rolled her eyes, and opened the door for me.

"What do you want Hanna?" She was upset, and I felt pity for my friend.

"I just want to talk with you. You kind of stormed off without telling me what's wrong." I reminded her.

"It's none of your business." She mumbled.

"Uh, you're my friend, so of course it's my business. Let's talk." I smiled. Emily rolled her eyes again, but didn't object and put the car back into park.

I climbed into the seat next to her and glanced at her. "Emily, what happened? All I know was that first you were waiting for Spencer to wake up. Aria assumed Spencer had said something and is up there now talking to her, but…what happened?" I questioned again.

Emily sighed, tears welling in her eyes. "I made a mistake." She mumbled.

"What do you mean? Did you say something? Did Spencer say something?" I asked, curious.

"Spencer woke up, and we were talking. She was being so open and honest, and we were so close…" Emily drifted off.

"Oh my gosh Emily you didn't!" My voice rose in pitch.

"I did. I shouldn't have, it was stupid of me…" Emily rambled but I wasn't listening.

"You kissed SPENCER? Oh my gosh, this is awesome. Aria and I have been predicting this for weeks! Oh just wait! You guys are going to be so cute together-"

"Hanna stop!" Emily snapped. I frowned, uncertain of what I did to make her mad.

"What-"

"She didn't kiss me back." Emily whimpered.

"Oh…" I cursed myself for jumping to conclusions and hurting my friend. I was so certain things would go better.

"Why not?" I asked. "I know that she likes you, or I'm pretty sure. I've seen the way she looks at you." I reassured her.

"I don't know. I guess we all read the situation wrong." Emily frowned. "I just made a really big mistake, and probably hurt the damned girl even worse. God I'm such a crappy friend." Emily growled.

"Hey hey, don't say stuff like that. You are the best friend Spencer could have, and most likely someday you will be more to her. Maybe today just wasn't a good day. She's been through a lot. Besides, even if she doesn't like you that way, she'll forgive you in a heartbeat. You know that." I smiled.

Emily sighed. "I know. I'm just having a hard time finding a way to forgive myself. But I don't think it's going to happen ten minutes after I messed up. So I'm going to head home." Emily replied, motioning for me to get out of her car.

"Okay, I get it. It'll be a shame to see you go, you know Spencer probably wants to talk to you." I reminded her.

"I know. But I don't think I could face her again, not right now." Emily looked away, and I got out of the car.

"Drive safe Emily. Call if you need anything. Just give her some time, that's all." I smiled lightly and watched as she drove away. I sighed and walked back up to Spencer's house.

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I know Aria told me to get some rest, but I couldn't sleep. Hanna and Aria went home after a while, thinking I was upstairs resting. I had hoped to talk to Emily, but figured she didn't stick around.

I sat up and sighed. _What happened? Why didn't I kiss her back? I love her… _

I groaned and ran my fingers through my hair. I was weak, and a coward. I wasn't even able to kiss the woman I love back.

_Oh come on, she took you by surprise._

I rolled my eyes and flopped back on my bed. I was sick of thinking.

"Spencer?" Melissa had creaked the door open.

"Sorry, I didn't know if you were awake or not." She smiled and started to close the door.

"Wait!"

She turned and looked back at me.

"Can I talk to you?" I asked, unsure of how she would take the request.

"Of course." She smiled softly and walked over, sitting on my bed next to me.

"I need some advice….and I know I don't normally ask you about this kind of thing, I normally don't speak to you much at all, but I was hoping you could help…" I asked cautiously.

"You need help with the whole Emily thing, am I right?" Melissa smirked.

"What? How do you know?!" I was startled.

"Relax. Aria and Hanna explained what happened to me. They wanted to make sure I knew what was going on in case…" She trailed off, not wanting to delve into _that _subject any more.

"I see." I muttered.

"Besides, I knew you liked her anyways. It was pretty obvious." She laughed.

"What?! No it was not!" I snapped. Melissa smiled.

"It was more obvious than you think." She grinned.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Okay okay, are you going to help me or just tease me?"

Melissa chuckled. "Of course I'll help you. Do you just want my opinion on this? I'm not sure, we've never really gone to each other for advice." She admitted.

"I'd love to hear your opinion about it." I replied.

"Okay." Melissa thought it over for a while before answering. "If I were you, I would go see her tomorrow. Contact her, talk to her, let her know what happened. Let her know what you feel about her." Melissa explained.

"Okay. But what if she won't talk to me?" I wondered.

"Then I guess you'll just have to try again another day. But definitely go in person, it will be have more of an impact on her, and is more respectful." Melissa mentioned.

"That makes sense. I guess I'm just worried she won't ever want to talk to me again." I sighed and hung my head. Melissa wrapped her fingers around my hand.

"Hey, don't beat yourself up about it. Most people would have reacted the same way if they were in your position. It's natural. You can work this out. You're a smart girl, and you both have feelings for each other. Those feelings will bring you together, it's just going to take some time." Melissa encouraged me.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." I smiled.

"You guess? Who's had more relationship experience?" Melissa joked.

I laughed. "Fine! You're right…" I chuckled. She laughed with me before sliding off my bed.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to get some sleep. I hope my advice was helpful." She smiled.

"Thank you Melissa." I yawned and crawled back into bed. "Love you sis.." I muttered, before I realized what I said. I felt my face heat up, but I didn't say anything else.

"Love you too Spencer."

I smiled. Love was rarely announced in this house, especially between the two of us. It was a nice change.

I closed my eyes, thinking about what was going to happen between Emily and me. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep.


	24. Uneasy Feelings Resurfaced

**CHAPTER 24: Uneasy Feelings Resurfacing**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I sat in my car, waiting. I was parked outside of Emily's house. I couldn't back out of talking to her now, she probably has known I'm out here for a while. I tapped my fingers on the dashboard nervously. I had never really confessed my feelings to anyone before, and I was paranoid that she was going to turn me away. Especially after what happened last night.

Sighing, I opened the car door and into the cold air. I had to do this, for her and for me. Also, Christmas was coming up, and we were going to be at Aria's. It wouldn't be fair to her as the host if two of her guests weren't speaking to each other.

I walked up to the door and knocked on the nicely painted wood panels.

Mrs. Fields opened it almost immediately.

"Spencer! Hello dear, how are you?" She asked.

"I'm great, thanks Mrs. Fields." I smiled warmly. "Is Emily home ma'am? I need to speak with her." I wondered.

"Oh yes, she's upstairs, I'll go and get her for you, you can step inside and out of the cold." She smiled at me. I nodded my thanks and waited in the warmth patiently.

_EMILY'S POV: _

I yawned and flipped through my phone. There was one missed text from Aria, asking if I was alright. I frowned, slightly disappointed that Spencer hadn't tried to contact me_. Maybe you ruined things with her…_

I almost started crying again when I heard a knock on my door.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Emily dear, there's someone here at the front door to see you. Can I send her upstairs?" My mom asked me, making sure I knew.

"Is it Spencer?" I questioned.

"Yes." My mom smiled, knowing about my feelings for her. However, I wasn't in the mood. I didn't want to see Spencer. I know she probably had all kinds of apologies to tell me, but I couldn't face her. Not today.

"Sorry mom, can you tell her I'm busy? I just, I'm not ready to talk to her." I smiled sadly. My mom nodded, understanding, and closed the door.

I sighed and leaned back on my bed. _Why did I have to kiss her… _I thought to myself.

_SPENCER'S POV:_

"Hey Spencer, I'm sorry but Emily is really busy with homework right now. Maybe you could call her later?" She suggested, clearly not wanting to hurt my feelings.

"Oh no, that's okay. I have to tell her this in person. I'll just try again tomorrow if that's alright." I smiled.

"Of that would be wonderful. I understand." She gave me a hug before I left. When I got outside, I balled my hands in frustration. I knew Emily wouldn't be doing homework. She had told me numerous times that she was so thankful she didn't have homework for break.

I sighed. It was fair for her to want some time. She's probably feeling pretty guilty, and it'll be just as hard for her to see me as it will be for me to see her.

Relaxing a bit, I climbed back into my car and drove home. Melissa asked me how it went, but I told her we didn't even speak. Melissa reassured me that it was going to be hard for Emily too, and that I shouldn't give up. I was thankful to have her around.

She told me that our parents would be back tonight. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face them again, but I knew that it was going to happen sooner or later.

I thanked Melissa and walked back up to my room, where I would spend the rest of the day.

I worked on some homework that I had, and read, but no matter what I did I still couldn't get my mind off Emily. It was making me anxious, and I knew that if I continued down that path, I might end up breaking my promise again.

I sighed and climbed onto my bed. Melissa came and checked on me around lunchtime, but I wasn't hungry. She asked me if I was feeling okay, but I told her I was. I didn't want to lie to her, but she had already helped me, she didn't need me rambling to her about my worries.

Eventually I got up and decided to go for a walk. I grabbed my coat, and headed outside. The air was bitter, but it felt nice.

I didn't know where I was heading, but when I stopped, I ended up in front of Toby's house. Emily had told me about how they asked Toby for help finding me, and I knew it was right of me to thank him. Even if we were on bad terms.

I approached the door and knocked hesitantly. There was no response, so I turned to leave. As soon as I turned around to head back, the door opened.

"Spencer?"


	25. Confessions of a Teenage Ex-Girlfriend

**CHAPTER 25: Confessions of an Ex-Girlfriend**

_TOBY'S POV:_

"Spencer?" I asked. Her long dark hair was blowing in the frosty wind, and her back was to me, but I knew it was her. Seeing her hade my heart hurt, but I was also overrun by curiosity. Why did she come to my house?

"Spencer? What are you doing here?" I asked, waiting for a response. I hadn't seen, or heard from or of the girl in ages, and I longed for her to be mine again. However, I assumed that those reasons weren't why she was here.

She turned around, and her bright eyes burnt into my soul.

"I just wanted to say thank you. If not for you, then Emily wouldn't have…found me when she did and things could be a lot worse. Thank you for helping out my friends, even though you were most likely still mad at me. That's all." She smiled coldly and turned to head back to her car.

I ran forward and grabbed her hand. Her body tensed up, and I immediately let go, unsure of her reaction.

"Spencer, wait. Let's talk. Please? I haven't seen you since…that night. And I haven't heard from you! The last thing I knew about you was that you were out wandering somewhere, and your friends were paranoid. Please, let's just sit and talk." I begged. The brunette seemed to think it over.

She sighed. "I guess that would be alright. I don't have much else to do anyways." She smiled sadly, and followed me into my house.

I told her to sit on the couch while I made coffee. I may not be her boyfriend, but I still know that Spencer loves her coffee.

Once it was done, I handed her a cup and sat across from her, holding my own.

"Spencer, I don't want to pressure you into telling me anything you don't want to. I know how you feel about me. I just want to know…what were you doing when your friends came to see me?" I watched as her head fell, and she looked at the ground.

"You don't have to tell me anything-" I started, but she interrupted me.

"I broke." She replied hastily.

"You…broke?" I questioned. I was unsure of what she meant, but the girl I knew would never just _break. _

"Yes. I had too much to deal with, as well as a huge wave of emotions and it was more than I could handle. I broke. Shut down. Whatever you want to call it." She snapped, agitated.

I sighed, not wanting to upset her anymore than she already was.

"Okay." I replied. She looked up at me, confusion in her eyes. She stared for a while, unsure of what to think.

"What are you looking at?" I asked, a flirtatious smile creeping onto my face. "Like what you see?" I muttered quietly, unsure of how she would react.

I immediately regretted my decision. Her eyes flashed with anger, and darkness crept back into her face. She frowned.

"Toby, I didn't come here to get back with you. I've moved on. I'm sorry." She replied, emotionless.

"I know, I'm sorry. I guess I haven't moved on yet." I sighed. "Spencer, you know that-"

"You joined to A team to protect me? To keep an eye on things, and try to solve the problems from the inside out? To keep my friends and I from getting hurt? Yeah, I know." She interrupted.

I couldn't help but gape at her. "Yes….that's why I did that. But, if you knew, then why were you so mad at me?"

Spencer sighed. "I was mad because I _didn't _know at first. I jumped to conclusions, and for that I'm sorry. However, you still could have told me, and I would have understood." She smiled.

"Okay. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking about that, I was just paranoid that you were going to get hurt, and wanted to do anything I could to keep that from happening." I glanced up at her, attempting to read her expression.

"I know." She smiled sweetly.

A moment of silence passed, and I dared ask her what was on my mind.

"Do you think we could ever try things again?" I asked, hesitant.

Spencer frowned, and she immediately looked guilty.

"No…I don't think that's going to work." She muttered.

"Oh." I sat for a minute, fuming in my jealousy. She liked someone else.

"Who is it?" I rolled my eyes. She sensed my irritation, but didn't do anything. I sat, waiting for her answer. _If it's Wren or some other creep I swear…_

"It's Emily." She admitted quietly. My thoughts left my head immediately, and the fires of jealousy died out.

"Okay." I smiled at her.

"What are you smiling about?" A look of confusion spread across her face.

"I'm smiling because I'm glad it's Emily. If it was Wren, or some other guy I would probably question your judgment, as well as question myself. However, I understand. And I feel better about us not being together. I don't know, it's strange. But I'm more content. Besides, Emily is a fantastic person, and I couldn't ask for a better girl for you to be with." I continued smiling.

"Oh. Okay. But we aren't actually together yet." She admitted. "Things have been kind of rough between us lately." She sighed.

"Oh…" I trailed off. "Well, I'm sure things will work out for the best." I wasn't really sure what else to say, I was just glad that she was talking to me, and not screaming like last time.

"Yeah. I hope so." She smiled sadly and started to get up. "Thanks for the coffee."

"Thanks for talking with me. You always can. I know things aren't great between us, but I'd still like to be a part of your life." I reassured her.

She waited a minute before responding. "I'd like that." She grinned and walked out the door.

"Thanks again…Toby."

I watched as she closed the door, my heart at peace with the relationship between us.


	26. Distance Hurts

**CHAPTER 26: Distance Hurts**

_ARIA'S POV:_

"Hey, do you need this?" Spencer asked as she held up a bag of popcorn.

"No, my mom bought popcorn yesterday." I responded.

The two of us were shopping for the get-together we would be having soon for Christmas. I was going to go by myself, but decided it would be more fun to have a friend, and Melissa insisted that Spencer get out of the house. I knew she was feeling pretty down, considering her attempts to see Emily had gone badly.

Emily's mom had even finally insisted that Spencer call her before she drove over so that she could talk to Emily first and save Spencer the trouble. So far nothing had changed, and Spencer was suffering from it.

I sighed, and Spencer cocked her head.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing. Just thinking about this past week." I replied.

"Oh. Well, don't worry about it. I'm sure Emily will talk to me eventually." Spencer spoke of hope, but her eyes were dark and sorrowful.

"I know. I just don't understand why it's taken her so long to build up the courage. It's odd. Unlike her." I wondered.

"I don't know. Hey, didn't you need this?" Spencer grabbed a jar of salted peanuts.

"Ooh! Yes! Those are my favorite." I smiled, growing excited for the get-together.

Spencer placed the bottle in the cart, and continued walking forward. I followed her, glancing around as we walked, keeping an eye out for items on our list.

Once we were done, I grabbed all the items and placed them into the trunk. Spencer was sitting in the passenger seat, waiting for me. She wanted to help, but I had noticed her cough had gotten worse, and insisted that I was fine considering we had only a few things.

When I finished, I walked up to the door and hopped into the car.

"Thanks for letting me go shopping with you." Spencer smiled, and I could tell she was just as happy as I was to be doing something with her friend.

"Of course!" I laughed. The roads were covered in snow that had fallen the night before, and everything was clean and crisp. Spencer stared out the window, coughing every thirty seconds.

"Spence, are you okay?" I asked. "You don't sound like you're feeling well."

"Oh no I'm fine, my throat's just a bit dry." She replied, but I didn't think she was being honest.

"If you insist." I pulled into my driveway and we walked into my house. My parents were gone, and Mike was in his room watching something.

"Why don't you go sit on the couch. I'll put these in the kitchen and we can watch a movie or talk or something." I suggested.

Spencer nodded and walked over to our living room. I walked into the kitchen and put the groceries away. I could hear Spencer's cough from the other room, and I was worried that she was coming down with something. She had spent who knows how much time in those woods in her pajamas, I would have been surprised if she _hadn't _gotten sick.

I grabbed the cough syrup and walked back into the family room. Spencer eyed me suspiciously before rolling her eyes.

"I'm fine Aria." She sighed irritably.

"Oh come on, just take it! I'll feel better if you do." I insisted. She rolled her eyes again and gulped down the liquid.

"That stuff is disgusting." She made a face at me and coughed again.

"Yeah, well it helps." I set the bottle down on the coffee table and sat next to Spencer. I flipped a movie on, but after twenty minutes or so we weren't into it.

"Hey Aria?" Spencer turned and looked at me.

"Yeah?"

"Why….why do you think Emily is avoiding me?" She asked, sorrow filling her eyes.

"Oh Spence, I'm sure she's not avoiding you she's-" Spencer shot me a look.

"Okay, maybe she's avoiding you. I guess she just needs some time. I mean, this is a touchy situation for her. Remember Allison?" I reminded her.

"I guess. But you'd think she'd at least tell me she wasn't interested by now instead of hiding in her room." Spencer sighed and closed her eyes.

"You're right. She's acting pretty strange. Would you like me to try and talk to her?" I suggested.

"Oh no, that's okay. But thanks Aria, you're the best." Spencer smiled and scooted closer to me.

"I wish I could help more though." I admitted. "I feel so helpless sitting here, watching you guys fight. I know Hanna talked to Emily when she left your house, but other than that she hasn't really been speaking to any of us."

"I don't know. I guess I'm not important enough to her." Spencer snapped.

"Spencer, don't say things like that!" I scolded her. She rolled her eyes.

"Come on Aria, if I really meant anything to her, she would have made the effort. I'm sick of waiting for her to talk to me." Spencer replied coldly.

"Stop it! You guys are perfect for each other, she's just having a hard time accepting that." I tried reasoning with the upset girl, but she wasn't really listening.

"If she's having such a hard time then why did she kiss me."

I fell silent. Spencer had a point, and I couldn't argue. _Man, I hated it when she was right. Curse that lawyer blood that runs in her…_

"Sorry Aria. I didn't mean to get all personal, I was just upset about it." Spencer apologized.

"Oh don't apologize! You're fine, besides, this is a good way for you to speak your feelings." I reminded her.

"Whatever. I think I'm going to head home before the weather gets worse." Spencer got up to leave, and I followed her to the door. The sky was dark, and it looked like a storm was on the way.

"Okay. Thanks for shopping with me Spence!" I gave the tall girl a tight hug. "And get some sleep! Before you get even more sick!" I yelled to her as she was getting in her car. She flashed me a thumbs up, and pulled away.

"That girl is so stubborn sometimes…" I groaned as I pulled out my phone. It was time to give Emily a call.

_SPENCER'S POV: _

I got home earlier than I thought I would, and made my way to the kitchen to grab something to eat. Melissa was sitting on the couch, watching the weather forecast.

"Hey Spence." She called from the couch. I grabbed an apple and sat next to her.

"Are mom and dad home?" I asked.

"No, they were supposed to get home today, but the weather is getting so bad they were worried they'd get stuck. They really wanted to be here for you though. I told them about what happened and they were really upset they weren't here to help you." She explained.

"Okay." I felt happy that my parents cared about me, they cared more than I would have thought, judging their attitudes and lack of presence.

"Do you have plans for the rest of the day?" Melissa turned to me. "Are you going to try Emily again?"

I laughed coldly, causing Melissa to gain a confused and worried look.

"No. I'm so done with her. I guess it just wasn't meant to be." I snapped coldly.

"Spencer-"

"No, it's okay. I'm over it. If I really mattered to her she would have said something earlier, and not waited so long." I scoffed.

"I get that you're upset, but it's only been four days." Melissa reminded me.

"Four days of constant attempts to contact her. She didn't even shoot me a text message. I just figured, in matters as serious as this, you'd think she'd respond a bit faster. _If _it was important to her of course, which it obviously isn't." I growled.

"I don't know what to say Spencer." Melissa admitted. I coughed into my elbow for the third time in that minute, wincing as my throat burned.

"Spencer, are you okay? Do you need to go to the doctor?" Melissa asked calmly.

"No I'm fine, just a dry throat. The weather's been bothering me all day." I lied. I wasn't in the mood to see a doctor, and my throat was actually feeling better than it did earlier. Must have been that disgusting medicine.

"Okay, well why don't you get some sleep. I'll wake you up if anything changes with Mom and Dad." Melissa smiled.

"Alright." I didn't want to refuse sleep, it sounded so good at the moment. I yawned, and headed upstairs, yearning for the comfort of my bed.

_ARIA'S POV:_

"Yes?" Emily sounded irritated.

"Emily?" I asked, not expecting her to answer my call. "Are you okay? Why haven't you called me back? Or talked to Spencer?" I bombarded.

"Aria, calm down. Yes I'm fine. I haven't felt like talking, and Spencer…I don't know." She rambled off.

"Emily, I understand you are probably feeling guilty with what you did, but I can't just sit here while the two of you grow further apart." I rambled.

"Oh come on, it's not that dramatic. It's only been two days." Emily sighed.

"Two? Try four!" I reminded her.

"Four? Really? I guess I've lost track of time." Emily admitted.

"Yeah Emily, but you've lost more than that." I scowled.

"What do you mean?" Emily's voice rose in pitch.

"Spencer! I talked to her today, and she was really upset. I mean it Emily, I know you're trying to give her space, but turning her down is only hurting her more."

"I'm sure she wasn't that upset." Emily laughed. "This is Spencer we're talking about."

"Yeah?" I questioned. "The same Spencer we've seen the past few weeks?"

Emily fell silent.

"She's going through a tough time right now, and you're just making things worse! She's been trying to reach you, because she finally built up the courage to tell you her feelings, but every time you turned her away! You have _got _to make things up to her." I scolded Emily.

"Gosh, I didn't think of it like that. I was just so scared she as going to yell at me, I didn't even want to risk the chance." Emily sighed.

"I'll go talk to her."

'Really?" I was surprised. "I mean, that's a good idea but the weather's getting really bad."

"This is more important right now. I can't believe I didn't realize that sooner. God I hope she doesn't hate me."

"I'm sure she doesn't hate you Emily." I sighed. "Good luck though." Considering Spencer's earlier attitude, I knew Emily would need just as much luck as Spencer.

"Thanks. See ya." Emily hung up, and I closed my eyes. I hoped to god that these girls would figure it out, or who knows what could happen.


	27. Love Is Powerful

**CHAPTER 27: Love Is Powerful**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I woke up feeling worse than when I went to sleep. I didn't know how long I had slept, or how my throat could have possibly gotten worse, but somehow it did.

I groaned and rolled out of bed. I glanced out my window and noticed it was snowing. Walking over to the window, I sat down, watching the snow fall gently on the ground. It was beautiful.

I yawned, still not awake yet. I tried to focus on the snow, but my mind kept drifting back to Emily. I didn't understand out situation at the moment, but I knew it was going to take me a while to get over her.

I felt my arms shake from the cold the window was radiating. It was closed, but being so close to the crisp air was chilling.

I watched as the small snowflakes pooled on the ground, slowly covering it in a blanket of white. However, no matter how many times I watched the flakes fall, I still saw Emily in the back of my mind.

I gripped my head and brought my chin to my chest and my knees to my chin. I was curled up, safe from my thoughts, or so I assumed.

However, despite my best efforts, the brunette still haunted my every thought. I groaned and curled up even more until I was so lost in my thoughts, I tuned out the world around me.

_EMILY'S POV:_

I drove as fast as I could to Spencer's house. Once there, I got out and ran up to the door. I knocked eagerly, waiting for someone to answer the door.

I was expecting Spencer, but Melissa instead opened the door.

"Emily?" She questioned, surprised to see me.

"Hey Melissa. I'd really love to sit and answer the questions you probably have but I really need to talk to Spencer right now. I've made a mistake, and I just…I need to see her." I rambled.

Melissa sighed. "She's upstairs in her room. I sent her up to rest, but I heard her get up a minute ago, so you should be fine."

She moved aside to let me into the house.

"Thank you Melissa." I smiled, still anxious to see Spencer.

"Good luck Emily." Melissa smiled back, supportive.

I ran upstairs, and paused outside of Spencer's door. I took a deep breath, and cleared out the thoughts that had been keeping me from letting her see me. Then, I shakily pulled the door open.

Spencer was sitting in front of her window. She was shaking, and her hands were covering her ears. She was rocking back and forth slowly, as if keeping out everything that was bothering her.

"Spencer?" I asked. She didn't respond, or acknowledge my presence.

I walked over and kneeled in front of her. She didn't move, or even flinch at me being there.

"Spencer? Are you okay? What's wrong?" I asked, placing my hand on her arm. Still nothing. Her eyes were closed tightly, and her hands were turning white from the hard amount of pressure she was putting on the sides of her head.

"Spencer!" I raised my voice, hoping to get something.

"Spencer…Spence…come back to me…Spencer…" I shook, pleading that she stop whatever she was doing.

"Snap out of it!" I brought my hands really close to her face and clapped as loud as I could. Spencer shrieked and fell backwards.

"What?!" She cried, unaware of what happened. Her eyes glanced across the room worriedly before they landed on me. As soon as they did, her eyes grew wide, and she crawled away from me as fast as she could.

"Emily?!" She was surprised, that's for sure.

"Hey." I waved, feeling slightly awkward.

Spencer sat for a minute, staring at me intensely. I shifted my eyes to the floor, and waited for her to say something, anything.

"What are you doing here?" She asked. "I mean, I know you probably want to talk to me…but what are you doing here?" She repeated herself.

"I just…I wanted to see you." I admitted. Taking a deep breath, I pulled my eyes off the floor and towards the face in front of me. I was not prepared for what I saw in front of me.

Spencer's eyes blazed with anger, but they were also drowning in sorry, and loss. She had dark circles under her eyes, and was pale. I immediately felt my stomach clench up at the sight. I had caused her so much unnecessary grief by simply refusing to talk to her.

"Spencer…" I started, unsure of what to say to soothe the brunette.

"Stop." She snapped.

"Spence, I-"

"Just stop." She growled. She adjusted herself until she finally sat up. "What do you think you're doing?" She rolls her eyes, clearly upset.

"Spencer, what do you mean?" I was unsure at what she was getting at, and was slightly frightened as to her reaction.

"What are you doing? You think you can just shut me out and pretend I don't exist when I need you, and then days later when you're ready, invite yourself in and try to fix everything? It's not that simple!" She cried.

I gulped at the burst of emotion. "Spencer, I know what I did was unacceptable, and I was foolish to shut you out. I just panicked, and…I was scared." I admitted.

Spencer sighed. 'What were you scared of? Scared of hurting me? Because shutting me out hurt me more than you probably think. Emily, you wouldn't see me! I tried for _days, _but I got nothing. I just…I wanted to talk to you!" Tears streamed down her eyes, and I was shocked by the show of emotion. She normally was so strong.

"Spencer…" I moved forward and wiped the tears off her cheek, but she flinched away. "Sorry…" I mumbled.

"Emily…don't you get it? I love you! I love you so fucking much, but you ignored me! I felt like I was going to die! When you kissed me, I was in heaven, but I didn't react fast enough and you left! Not to mention, you completely shut me out! Emily, I don't think you understand how much it hurt! To see the person I love not even give me the time of day!? Don't…don't you get it.." Spencer broke down, sobbing. "Why do I love you…" She choked, curling back up into her ball.

I felt my heart almost stop. _She…she loved me? _I moved closer to her slowly, and placed a hand on her shoulder gently. She shook, but didn't do anything. I pulled her into a hug, and stroked her back whilst she cried.

"Shhhh, Spencer. Shhh… it'll be okay." I reassured her. "I know I was a total ass." I admitted. "Shutting you out was foolish, but I got scared and reacted in the easiest way possible. I-It was…I can't…" I felt myself choke up at the large amount of emotion flowing through me.

"Spencer…I love you so much…" I choked. "Shutting you out was the hardest thing I've ever done, and the stupidest too." I sniffed.

Spencer's sobs ceased until she finally was able to glance up at me.

"Do you mean it?" She asked, her face tinted red.

"Of course! I meant everything I said." I admitted.

Spencer closed her eyes for a minute before responding.

"You…you love me?" She rasped.

I sighed, and looked into her eyes. "Spencer, I love you so damn much." I smiled.

Spencer smiled back at me, but it was a weary smile.

"I don't understand how I can love you but be mad at you at the same time." She coughed. "But whatever happens…" She coughed again. "I know I'll _never _stop loving you…" She sighed.

I felt myself blush, and I looked at her concerned.

"Spence, are you okay? You've been coughing a lot." I replied worriedly.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." She answered.

"I don't think so." I placed my hand on her forehead. "Spencer, you're burning up!" I sighed. "Come on, let's get you into bed."

Spencer didn't object and closed her eyes. Luckily she was light enough that I was able to carry her to her bed.

I placed her on her bed and pulled the covers over her. I slid in next to her, and laid beside her after she patted the bed a couple times.

She nuzzled against me and yawned.

"Night Emily…" She groaned. I laughed a little, because it wasn't night, but smiled back at her.

"Goodnight Spencer." I stroked her hair softly, and she fell asleep almost immediately.

"I love you."


	28. Smart Girl Stupid Choices

**CHAPTER 28: Smart Girl; Stupid Choices**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I woke up groggy, and not feeling well. My head hurt like hell, and I felt dizzy and hot. I sighed, flopping my head back on the pillow. I shut my eyes tight to rid myself of the dots that were swarming in my eyes, but my head pounded like a stampede of elephants.

I groaned, turned over, and nearly screamed. I had forgotten that Emily was still here, and memories of last night flashed through my head.

I jolted up into a sitting position, but immediately regretted it. My vision went blurry, and a white light flashed in my eyes. I was so light-headed, I feared I would pass out and fall off the bed.

"Spence?" Emily groaned, clearly not awake. I wanted to glance over at her, but it was taking all I had to stay conscious.

"Hey." I replied, letting out a shaky breath.

Emily sat up next to me and glanced at me. I wouldn't meet her eyes. Not because I didn't want to, or was scared, but I was worried if I moved my head I would pass out. Black spots danced in front of my eyes, and I could feel myself swaying.

"Spence?" Emily repeated, and placed a hand on my shoulder to steady me. "Are you okay?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. After about three minutes, my head stopped pounding as hard, and my vision was back to normal.

"Yeah, just sat up too fast." I smiled. Emily smiled back, and slid off my bed.

"Are you okay about last night?" She asked. I nodded slowly, not wanting to bring more pain.

"Yeah. I really am." I grinned and shakily climbed out of bed. My parents had gotten back last night, and were catching up on sleep. Melissa was downstairs making breakfast.

I headed downstairs towards the scent of eggs, and Emily followed. I sat down at the table, and Melissa turned and grinned at me.

"I take it things went well last night?" She smirked. "No one ran out of here crying, and I didn't hear a lot of yelling."

Emily blushed, and I felt heat rise to my cheeks as well. "Things went fine." I replied.

Melissa set out three plates on the table. She brought over the eggs she had made and placed some on each of the plates.

I was about to dive in when the scent fully reached my nose. It wasn't that they smelled bad, they smelled and looked delicious. I was just not feeling well at all, and the scent made my even more light-headed and sick.

"I'm good, but thanks Melissa." I smiled politely and handed her plate back.

"Are you sure? Are you feeling okay?" She asked, clearly concerned. Emily snapped her fingers.

"That's right! I was going to check your temperature this morning. You felt really warm last night, and I want to make sure you aren't sick." Emily stretched her arm out so she could feel my forehead, but I swatted it away.

"I'm fine, really. I just don't have much of an appetite this morning." I smiled and tried to brush it off. I knew I was sick, but I didn't need them to worry about it. I'd lie down and take some medicine later, and be back on my feet within hours after that.

"If you insist." Emily sighed, clearly not going to let up on her opinion. She ate the rest of her breakfast, but I could feel her constantly glancing over at me, checking to make sure I was okay.

I felt glad that I had friends that cared so much, but I really couldn't get away with anything. They knew me too well, Emily especially.

After breakfast, I thanked Melissa and we went back upstairs. I pulled some clothes on, and brushed my hair so that the two of us could head over to Hanna's for coffee. Aria was going to meet us there. I was unaware of the meeting, but I assumed Emily texted them to let the two of them know we were talking again.

I bid my goodbye to Melissa, who was bringing some eggs to my parents who had just woken up. I knew they wanted to talk to me, but I figured it could wait a bit. They'd understand.

I hopped in the passenger seat of Emily's car, and we headed to Hanna's. The vertigo of the moving car didn't help my head, but I did my best to conceal my discomfort. Emily didn't need to worry about me, and I didn't want her to send me home.

We arrived shortly after Aria did, and walked with her inside. No conversation was made, for we were all freezing cold. Hanna opened the door for us in record time, and we dropped our coats by the door. Except for me. I was still cold, even without it, and needed it on me or I would probably start shaking. No one noticed, or said anything, so I figured it would be okay.

Hanna's mom poured some coffee, and then left to go upstairs and get some work done. The four of us sat at the table, waiting for someone to originate the conversation.

"Well since World War III is no longer in session, are we still on for Friday?" Hanna joked. Emily rolled her eyes.

"This Friday right?" She asked.

"Yeah. Four days from now." Aria responded.

"That sounds perfect." Emily replied with a smile.

I nodded my understanding, and set my coffee aside. The taste was gross in my mouth, and made my head spin even more.

"Soooooo, give us the details?" Hanna smirked, looking between Emily and I.

Emily blushed, but I kind of ignored the question. I was trying to keep myself from passing out again, the cold must have zapped what little energy I had left.

"There's nothing to give. We talked, cried a little. Then we went to sleep. That's all." Emily stated, plain and clear.

Aria sighed. "Come on, that can't be just it." She rolled her eyes.

"That's all that happened." Emily blushed a little, trying to avoid talking about the confessions they'd made to each other. I felt her grab my hand gently and give it a squeeze, asking for my permission to announce our new relationship status.

I squeezed back, before shoving my hand in my pocket. It was so cold.

"Well…Spencer and I are…um.." Emily was at a loss for words. She glanced at me, and I gave her the okay once more.

"OMG ARE YOU TWO A THING NOW?" Hanna shrieked. I flinched at the loud noise, and closed my eyes. The sudden pitch hurt my head.

"Hanna, calm down!" Aria scolded, but looked at us playfully. "Sooo, is it for real now?"

I nodded before Emily could respond and Hanna clapped loudly. I flinched away again, and felt Emily grab my hand gently. She knew I wasn't feeling my best somehow, and was trying to be sympathetic.

I smiled at her before glancing over at Hanna.

"Gosh, finally! You two were so meant to be." Hanna smiled, excited for the two of us. I was glad for her support and enthusiasm, but didn't need so much of it at the moment.

The three of them talked for a little while longer. I'm not sure what about, I zoned them out. About five to ten minutes went by before Emily nudged me.

"Spence? You okay?" She asked. I mumbled something and nodded, not wanting to spend more energy on talking.

"Spence…." Emily raised an eyebrow. I sighed.

"I'm fine." I coughed.

Aria was immediately over to my side. She had her hand up to my forehead before I could take a breath.

"Spencer Jill Hastings!" She scolded. "You are sick." She crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at me pointedly.

"What? No!" Emily placed her hand against my forehead and immediately pulled back.

"Spencer! You said you were fine!" She snapped. I understood that they were worried, but my head spun so much, I couldn't do anything but rest it on the table and close my eyes.

"Spence, come on. Let's get you home." Emily placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Nah, I'm fine." I mumbled, not wanting to worry them.

"Spencer get your ass out of that chair. You are sick. Stop denying it. Come on." Emily demanded. I sighed and pulled myself out of the chair. Standing up was a chore, and I was immediately rewarded with more black fuzzy dots. I felt Emily grab my shoulders with her hands as I swayed.

"Come on." She soothed, as we walked to the door. She turned to Aria and Hanna before we left.

"Friday. See you there." She smiled and we walked out the door. The air was bitter, and I felt myself shiver.

We got in the car, and Emily drove me home.

"Spencer, for such a smart girl you do some pretty stupid things." She sighed.

I giggled softly, and placed my hand on her leg. Emily blushed at the contact, but said nothing.

"You worry too much." I rasped.

"I worry because I care." She teased, and smiled back at me. I rolled my eyes, and we drove the rest of the way in peaceful silence.


	29. Motherly Love

**CHAPTER 29: Motherly Love**

_EMILY'S POV:_

I glanced over as I drove Spencer home. She was zoning off, and her eyes were glazed over. I worried for her health, and hoped she wasn't too sick. _God, why did she have to stress herself so much, she'll only get worse, _I thought irritably.

We arrived at her house shortly after, and I nudged the drowsy figure.

"Come on Spence." I stepped out of the car and walked over to her side of the vehicle. Just in time too, she had opened the door and almost fell out of it she was so dizzy.

I grabbed a hold of her arm, and helped her walk up to her house. She was leaning on me pretty hard, and didn't say anything. My worry was peaking, but I knew that she wouldn't respond if I said anything, she was too worn out.

Melissa let us in again, but Spencer's mom was sitting on the couch.

"Emily! Spencer!" She rushed over and hugged her daughter, who practically collapsed into her arms.

"Mrs. Hastings, Spencer wasn't feeling very well when we went over to Hanna's, so I brought her home." I explained quickly, not wanting to detail anything more than I had to.

"Thank you Emily. Melissa, will you help Spencer upstairs? I'll be there shortly." She smiled, and Melissa walked upstairs with Spencer, who waved and smiled sweetly at me as she left. She could be so cute, even when she was sick.

Mrs. Hastings offered coffee, but I passed it down. It was still early in the day, and I had already had some at Hanna's.

"Emily, before you leave, I just wanted to ask you something. I've been gone these past few days when Spencer's needed me due to work, and Melissa filled me in, however I wanted to double check." She started. I felt my heart leap to my throat, and hoped she wouldn't get mad at me for anything I'd done.

"Melissa told me about you two's new…arrangement." She smiled. My breath stopped. "I just wanted to let you know, I'm glad."

I let out my breath, and glanced at her questionably.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I'm glad, that if Spencer was to be with anyone, it would be you." She praised. "Melissa told me about all that you've done for her recently, and I just, I'm so glad she has people like you in her life." Mrs. Hastings sighed.

"T-thank you." I didn't know what to say. Mrs. Hastings' words of kindness were unexpected, and I was relieved she approved.

"So you're okay, with Spencer and I?" I wanted to make sure I wasn't hearing things. It was just such a surprising reaction.

"Oh yes. I must admit, I wasn't expecting Spencer to be into…girls and all. However, I love Spencer, and I respect her decision. Besides, as I said earlier, I'm glad that if she was with any girl, she chose you." Mrs. Hastings reassured me.

"Wow, thank you. I'm glad to hear that. I was pretty worried about what you'd think." I admitted. Mrs. Hastings laughed.

"No worries dear." She smiled, before her face fell a bit. "I must say though, I haven't told her father yet. I'm worried he won't be so sympathetic, and might react in an indecent manner. If…if he finds out and this get to become a bad place for Spencer to stay, would you mind if she stayed with you? I'll call your mother, but I figured I should ask you too." She explained.

"Oh of course! I hope nothing happens to put her in that situation, but if that is the case I'm sure my mom will be happy to let her stay for a couple days." I smiled. Mrs. Hastings nodded, reassured.

"Thank you Emily. I'm going to go check on Spencer, but thank you for talking with me." She smiled and I walked out the front door to drive home. I was glad that Spencer's mom was so supportive, but I worried about her father. As Mrs. Hastings said, his reaction might not be a good one. One that Spencer didn't need to deal with at the moment.

I sighed, and drove home. I had Christmas presents to wrap for Friday.

_SPENCER'S POV:_

I talked to my mom for a little bit before she let me get some rest. We were nowhere finished with our conversation, but she recognized that I needed to rest. It was still early in the day, but I felt as though I hadn't slept in ages.

I yawned and leaned back on my bed. My mom mentioned Emily and I a few times throughout our conversation. I was surprised that she was so supportive of the two of us, and I couldn't help but feel grateful that I had such a loving mother. Even if she was a bit strict sometimes.

I rolled over and pulled my phone off my nightstand. I quickly sent Emily an apology.

**Hey Em, thanks for taking me home. Sorry if we had to leave Hanna's earlier. I didn't mean to make you worry. Love you.**

**Spencer**

I felt my face heat up as I typed the last two words, but I knew I meant them. I hadn't really considered us a couple until Hanna mentioned it. I mean, we had only discussed it briefly the night before.

However, I was confident that I was in a relationship with her, and she didn't seem to have any objections anyways.

I looked up at my ceiling and smiled.

_I'm in a relationship with Emily Fields._

I closed my eyes, still smiling.

_I have a girlfriend, and my mom's okay with it._

Curling up into a ball, I pulled the covers over my freezing body.

_Everything is working out so well. _

I nodded off eventually, content with the path my life was heading towards. I still felt the temptations, no doubt. But I was getting better at controlling them, and I had stayed clean since the last run in with my friends about it.

However, things must get worse before they could get better, and I didn't know it, but I was headed towards a path of things getting worse.


	30. Not One Of Us

**CHAPTER 30: Not One Of Us**

_SPENCER'S POV:_

When I woke up it was early evening. I had slept most of the day, and was already feeling somewhat better, although I still felt somewhat light-headed.

I changed my clothes, and put on a pair of ripped jeans, and a black t-shirt with a white wolf head in a tribal pattern on it. It was a shirt I'd had for ages, but still enjoyed wearing it when I knew I would just be hanging around the house. I threw on my black converse, and walked downstairs.

My mom and dad were talking at the counter. Melissa was nowhere to be seen, but the barn lights were on.

"Hey Mom, hey dad." I smiled softly as I walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

"Hey Sport, how are you feeling?" My dad asked.

"Better, thanks." I replied, pulling a glass out of the counter.

"Your mom and I were talking about what happened while we were gone. I'm sorry we couldn't be here honey, I wouldn't have taken that extra meeting if I had known things were so hard back here." He apologized, sounding truly sincere.

"It's okay Dad." I smiled at him reassuringly. "I had Emily looking out for me."

My mom smiled sweetly at me, and I shot her a confused glance. She walked over to me to "get a cup".

"I know, it's okay." She whispered as she pulled the cup out of the cabinet. She walked over to my dad as if nothing had happened between the two of us. I didn't know how she knew, but I was overjoyed that she was okay about it.

"Well, I'm glad you have such a good friend like her to look out for you." My dad piped up, looking up at me from his newspaper.

I gulped nervously, and eyed my mom, who nodded back at me. My dad needed to know.

"Well Dad, Emily and I aren't friends anymore." I started. He set his newspaper down.

"Really? What happened between the two of you? You were so close." He was confused.

I looked at my mom, pleading with my eyes. I didn't want to tell him, I was too nervous. My mom winked at me and sat down next to my dad.

"Well honey," She looked at my father. "Spencer and Emily are a couple now. I would've told you sooner but I figured we should all be together. I didn't find out until recently, just so you know." She added, not wanting to upset my dad.

"You're _what_?!" He snapped. "A couple? What do you mean, like dating?" He asked.

"Yes Dad, we're a couple now. We love each other very much." I muttered, unable to meet my father's glare.

"No, that's not right. That can't be it, you're with Toby!" He growled.

"Toby and I broke up a few weeks ago due to some problems we were having." I explained.

My mom nodded to my father, and grabbed his hand gently, but he jerked it away.

"Spencer you have to end this." He demanded.

I looked up at him, my eyes wide.

"What do you mean?" My heart raced in my chest.

"You can't be in a relationship with her. I forbid it. I can't have a gay daughter, it just isn't right." He scowled.

"Peter..." My mom scolded, but he ignored her.

"Okay Spencer? You have to call her and end this before it gets out of hand." His eyes pierced my soul.

"What do you mean, it can't get out of hand. It's not a problem Dad." I argued. He rolled his eyes.

"Spencer, it _is _a problem. We can't have a daughter who's dating a girl. I won't allow it in my household." He snapped.

"Dad, it's not something I can choose! I didn't choose to be this way, you have to understand! I'm still you're daughter!" I pleaded.

"No daughter of mine is gay." He scoffed, standing up and walking over to me.

"Dad-"

"Stop Spencer, this conversation is over. I want you to end it. Now." He demanded once more, handing me the phone.

I shied away from him, outraged.

"No! I can't just end it! Dad, I love her! I love her so much, you can't make me do this!" I cried.

"Spencer that's enough!" He yelled. I flinched away from his voice. "You will do as I say, or you will get the hell out of here." He was furious that I was arguing back at him.

"Peter, let's be reasonable." My mother glanced at my sympathetically. "I know this is new, but you can't act this way. She's our daughter." My mom argued.

"Not if she's dating a girl." He snapped. I felt hot tears flow down my face, and I wiped them away. The back doors opened and Melissa walked in, confused.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"Nothing." My dad waved her away. He proceeded to hand me the phone.

"Do it Spencer. I'm your father, listen to me." He growled. I shied away once more from the phone, not wanting to touch it.

"Spencer what's going on?" Melissa walked up to me and I fell into her embrace.

"Melissa, this has nothing to do with you, I'm dealing with your sister right now." My dad replied, irritated.

"Well obviously you aren't dealing with it well." She snapped back. I normally would have been happy for her for standing up for me, but I was too upset to care too much.

"Melissa, just get out of the way so I can deal with this idiot of a human being." He shoved the phone into my hand.

"No, I'm not going to do it!" I shrieked, and threw the phone back to him. However, my aim missed and I hit the glass of water on the counter instead. The glass fell to the floor and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. One piece flew up and cut me in the cheek, but I didn't care.

"I'm so sorry…" I started to clean it up but Melissa grabbed my arm and held me close to her.

"Don't worry about it Spencer." She growled, angry with our dad.

"See? Look what you did!" My father shouted. "This is why you just need to do what you're told!" He was furious.

"Dad! I'm not going to break up with Emily, I love her!" I cried. I felt Melissa tense up, and her anger shot through the roof.

"Dad, you aren't trying to make them separate are you? That's so cruel!" She screamed. "Dad, Spencer and Emily love each other, and Emily was there for Spencer when you weren't! If anything you owe her!" She argued.

"Melissa, don't you dare defend her. This isn't your argument. Spencer, pick up the phone and end things now, or I swear…" He threatened.

"No dad, I won't do it!" I screamed, stepping forward so I faced him face to face.

"You can't make me break up with the person I love more than anything on this Earth." I rasped, challenging him.

I felt a burning sensation on my cheek as he swat his palm across my face.

"Get the hell out of here." He demanded. I looked up at him with fear, and hatred.

"PETER!" My mom snapped.

"Dad what the hell?!" Melissa started approaching him.

He glared at me once more.

"I said get out." He replied, cold as stone.

I grabbed my car keys off the counter, and ran out the door, despite my mother and sister's protests.

I couldn't stand being in the same room as him.

I ran out to my car, and drove off, tears flowing down my face. It was snowing pretty badly, but I didn't care. I had to go somewhere, somewhere besides home.

I was on my way to Emily's house when the car got stuck in a ditch. Angry, cold, and upset, I grabbed the keys and slammed the door shut. I ran the rest of the way to Emily's house, it wasn't too far.

When I got there, snow coated my arms and hair. I was so cold, and my head was pounding. I felt awful, but I had to get away from him.

I knocked on the door, and waited.

_EMILY'S POV:_

I was finishing up wrapping Christmas gifts when I heard the front door.

"Coming!" I shouted. My mom was out of town, shopping with Mrs. Marin.

I ran down the steps and opened the door, but I was not prepared for what I saw in front of me.

Spencer Hastings was standing outside. She had no coat on, and was covered in snow. Her car was nowhere near, and she was bleeding from her cheek.

"Oh my god Spencer, come in!" I grabbed her and dragged her inside. She was shaking, and breathing hard.

"Spencer, how'd you get here?" I asked. The snow was so bad, no one could have driven.

"I drove, but my car got stuck, so I ran." She replied quietly. Her voice sounded awful, her throat was so sore.

"Oh Spencer, in this weather? What were you thinking?" I grabbed a blanket and draped it over her, leading her upstairs.

We got to my room, and I made her sit on the floor. I grabbed the first aid kit out of the hallway and some towels.

"Here Spence." I tossed her one of my old sets of pajamas. I turned away as she got undressed and put them on.

When she was dressed, I tossed her wet clothes in the laundry room and knelt in front of her. Her whole body was still shaking, and she looked horrible.

"Spencer, this might sting a little bit." I warned, as I cleaned off the blood on her cheek. Her other cheek was red, and I wondered what happened, but didn't ask yet.

Once I was done, and she was cleaned up, I sat in front of her and held her hands.

"Spencer what happened?" I asked.

She sniffed. "I told my dad." She choked.

"Oh honey," I pulled her towards me, hugging her.

"He wasn't very happy." She mumbled.

"It's okay Spencer. We can talk about it later." I reassured her, noticing how tired she looked.

"Why don't you get some rest? I'll get you something warm." I smiled.

"No, that's okay. I'm fine. I'll come help." She muttered.

I sighed as she stood up and walked downstairs with me. I pulled out two mugs for coffee.

"Decaf?" I turned around and asked, but she was zoning out.

"Spencer?" I started to walk forward when her knees buckled. I darted forward and managed to catch her before she hit the ground.

"God Spence…" I sighed, worried about the girl. I carried her to the couch, and set her down.

"Spencer…" I shook her lightly, but she remained knocked out.

_It's probably the cold. _I reassured myself, and fixed two cups of coffee.

Placing them on the table in front of the couch, I lifted her head and sat down, setting her head in my lap. I looked down at her, and stroked her wet hair gently.

"You don't deserve this.." I mumbled.

"You don't deserve this much pain."


	31. Positive

**Before you continue the next chapter, I just wanted to stop and thank everyone that's reviewed, favorited, or followed this story. You guys keep me going, and it always brings a smile to my face when I see those notifications. I write because it's something I love, and because I know it's something that others can love too. **

**If you have any critiques for me, let me know either through reviews or PMs. I want to make this story the best it can be, and I couldn't do that without your support, or helpful criticism. Thanks again, I appreciate it more than you can think.**

**I also wanted to warn you that this next chapter really emphasizes why the story is rated why it is. Nothing is described, this isn't Fifty Shades of Grey, but it is hinted at. If you do not like female on female subjects such as that, I suggest either waiting for the next chapter, reading with an open mind, or just not reading at all. The story has obviously lead to the idea of Spencer and Emily as a couple, it's even in the summary, so I don't understand why you'd read it if you weren't into that stuff. However, for those of you who just don't enjoy reading moments of intimacy (I don't blame you), here's the heads up.**

**Once more, thank you for everything you've done, or been doing. You keep me inspired!**

_**Keep writing!**_

_**-**_**Reyna**

**CHAPTER 31: Positive**

_EMILY'S POV:_

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up and it was dark out. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket gently, as to not wake Spencer, who was still passed out below me.

I flipped my phone one.

**You have 3 unread messages.**

I sighed, and opened up the first one.

**Hey honey, I can't make it home tonight, the weather is getting really dangerous. If something happens, let me know. Otherwise stay inside, and if the power goes out there's candles in the closet. Love you!**

**- Mom**

I glanced out the window, surprised to see the large amount of snow that was outside. I hadn't realized how bad the weather really was getting.

I texted her back and glanced at the other message.

**Hey Emily, I don't know if you heard but our parents won't be home tonight. I'm heading over to Caleb's, don't want to be alone. If you need anything you can always come over too.**

**- Hanna**

I crossed my fingers, hoping that Hanna had made it to Caleb's safely. The text was from a while ago I noticed, and hoped that she had made it out of her house before the weather got really bad.

**Is Spencer with you? She ran out of the house earlier, and I wanted to make sure she's alright. I've tried her cell but there's nothing. We can't go look for her because of the weather, and everyone's worried. Please text me back when you get this.**

**-Melissa**

I glanced down at Spencer for a second, and then texted her back.

**Yes she's with me, and she's okay. Is everything alright? **

**- Emily**

Closing my phone, I set it on the table and turned back to Spencer. I shook her gently.

"Spence?" I muttered softly, waiting for her to wake up.

Her eyes fluttered open, and she looked around confused for a minute before she realized where she was.

"Emily…" She tried to sit up but I pressed her shoulder down.

"No, just lie down for a minute." I insisted. "I don't want you getting dizzy again."

She mumbled something and nodded, closing her eyes for a second.

"I'm sorry I showed up so abruptly…" She droned.

"Don't worry about it. I'm glad you're here. My mom can't drive home in the weather, so it will be great to have some company." I admitted. She sighed, and got up slowly. I let her, and waited patiently as she moved so she was sitting next to me.

"Spencer, why _are _you here? What happened? Melissa texted me, she was really worried. Is everything alright?" I questioned, worried about Spencer.

"Well, I told my dad about us." She admitted. I nodded, she had told me earlier, but I hadn't pressed on the issue.

"What did he say?" I asked, curious.

"He demanded that I end our relationship." She whispered, her eyes full of hatred, and darkness.

"W-what?" I was stunned. I had expected him to be shocked, but I didn't know her dad could be so _cruel. _

"He was so surprised, and so hateful towards the subject. He got mad, my mom got mad at him, and eventually I just left. I couldn't take it, all the yelling, and all his rage. Melissa tried to calm him down, but I was worried that he would get mad at her too, so I just left to make everyone happy." She snapped, her eyes blazing.

"I'm sorry Spencer. My mom wasn't happy when I came out to her either, but I can't imagine what I'd do if she reacted like that. I'm glad you got out of there before things got worse though. I know that must have been hard, and I'm proud of you." I smiled encouragingly.

"Thanks Emily." She smiled back at me, and I leaned forward and gently traced the cut on her cheek.

"I accidentally knocked a glass bottle down and a piece flew up and hit me in the cheek." She explained, not waiting for me to ask about it. I nodded, understanding, and removed my hand from her face.

"Spencer…what are you going to do?" I wondered. Would she ever go back home? I was perfectly happy with her staying at our house, but I didn't think my mom would approve.

"I'm not sure. I'll probably head back when the weather clears up. He should have calmed down by then, and if not, then I'll find somewhere else to stay. Maybe I'll get a motel or something. I mean, I'm almost an adult, so there's not much else I can do. He doesn't _have _to let me back." She admitted, and I felt my heart speed up. I couldn't imagine having to live on my own, I still depended on my mom too much. But if anyone could, I knew it would be Spencer. However, I was also worried about her. If she lived alone, who would stop her if she relapsed again?

"I'm sure that won't happen." I reassured her, and myself. She nodded, and smiled up at me.

"But for now," She grinned. "I'm just happy to be here with you." She blushed, and I laughed with her.

"I'm glad too." I giggled and pecked her on the lips. She sighed, and moved closer to me, curling up in my side.

"You can't do that." She replied sternly. I felt my face go pale, and I was worried she was upset at me.

"I'm sorry, I-"

She laughed, confusing me even more.

"I'm sick Emily, I don't want you to get sick too." She replied, as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"Oh thank goodness." I replied, unable to keep down the relief I felt. "I thought you were going to be upset." I admitted.

"Why would I be upset?" She smiled, looking at me lovingly.

"That was a stupid thing to assume wasn't it?" I chuckled, as I pecked her on the lips once more.

She shoved me playfully.

"Emilyyyyy, stop it! I don't want to get you sick!" She laughed, obviously in a better mood.

"I don't mind." I grinned. "We can be sick together."

She scrunched her eyebrows together, and looked at me as if I'd grown three heads.

"What's that look for?"

"You _want _to be sick?" She was perplexed.

I laughed. "I don't _want _to be sick, but if I were to get sick, I wouldn't mind if it was because of you." I admitted.

She smiled. "If you insist." She leaned forward and kissed me back, passionately. It was a kiss full of love, and joy.

When she pulled away, I bit my lip sheepishly, wanting to kiss her again. She pressed her nose to mine, and we stared into each other's eyes for the longest time.

Suddenly she pressed my shoulders against the couch, so I fell backwards. She was laying on top of me, and I blushed intensely.

"Spencer what are you doing?" I asked quietly, not really caring.

She leaned forward and kissed me again, just as passionately as before. I felt myself melt into her, and for that moment, we were one.

I pressed back on her arms gently and our kiss stopped. She looked at me, confused as to why I wanted to end it.

I grabbed my phone, checking to make sure Melissa hadn't texted me back, or anyone else. Spencer had moved off of me, and was sitting on the ground, looking upset. I almost burst out laughing, but stopped myself.

Once I finished checking everything, I set my phone down and stood up.

"Come on." I grinned as I grabbed Spencer's hand. I led her upstairs, until we were in my bedroom.

"Emily I'm confused." She muttered.

I sighed and turned around so we were facing each other.

"Come on. If my mom somehow managed to come home and we were on the couch doing…that…she'd have a fit." I smirked. Spencer blushed, realizing what might have happened.

"But the weather's so bad.." She looked out the window, and I sighed.

"You never know Spencer. Life is full of surprises!" I laughed and pulled her to my bed, where we lay down next to one another.

I looked into her amber eyes and smiled. She blushed.

"What are you smiling about?"

"I'm smiling because I'm so happy to be here with you." I admitted. She pecked me on the lips gently as a thank you, but I grabbed her close, keeping her in the kiss.

I turned over so that I was on top of her. She blushed as my hand ran up her shirt gently, and then burst out giggling.

"Spencer what the heck?" I asked, not expecting the reaction I got. I pulled my hand away and looked at her oddly.

"Your hands are so cold!" She laughed.

I rolled my eyes and leaned forward again.

"Cold hands warm heart." I smirked. She stopped laughing and smiled at me. I leaned forward and connected our lips once more. My hand traveled up once more, before I stopped. She was kissing me so passionately, I didn't want things to go too fast.

"Are you sure?" I looked into her eyes, making sure she was alright with where things were headed.

She gazed up at me, eyes full of lust and love.

"Positive."


End file.
